I feel like I only really blog when I have a million things running through my mind to the point where I need to blog it out or I'm gonna fall apart. It's been two weeks since I lost my son.. and for the most part I've been okay..
But today.... I'm not okay.
Last night I had a dream that for a glimpse second I was holding my son again... in my arms..... where he is supposed to be..... and for that moment everything felt so perfect..
But then I woke up to empty arms and my eyes filled with tears and my world suddenly fell apart again.
Why do bad things happen to good people? I mean I know I'm not perfect..... but my son was...
I mean, was it something I said? Was it something I did? Was there something I didn't do, but should've? I just don't understand why these things happen to me. I mean, I do understand.. but then I don't...
About a week and a half before I went in for my check-up appointment I noticed that my son had stopped moving. I went from constantly feeling his kicks and turns to not feeling anything at all.. a part of me wanted to believe that he was still okay.... but the other part already knew that something wasn't right.
It was one of those things where my mind already knew that my son was gone, but my heart didn't want to accept it.
Walking into my appointment I told myself over and over again that he was okay.. literally coming up with every excuse I could think of to keep myself from falling apart. But the only thing that came to mind was back to the day that I lost my first son in 2013....
..and then it was confirmed... 31 weeks pregnant while laying in the ultrasound room I was told that my son no longer had a heartbeat.. and my heart broke... for the third time..
You think it'd be easier. But it's not.
It's harder. A lot harder.
As I held my son in my arms.. all I thought of was how perfect and handsome he was.. and at that moment he became the love of my life.
It was beautiful and devastating at the same time.
A bittersweet moment that I'll cherish forever.
People keep telling me that I'm strong... but the truth is that even though I look like I am.. I definitely don't feel like I am..
Physically? I'm getting better and better everyday. But mentally? I'm an emotional rollercoaster.
How can you ever fully recover from losing your child? And my answer is that you can't. Two years later and I still have my bad days where I'm too depressed to leave my room... too depressed to eat... too depressed to see/talk to anyone.. but then there are my good days where I'm perfectly fine and excited and ready to take on the new day.
I still don't feel complete..
and that's in all honesty.
But thinking about all the amazing people {friends&family} that we're surrounded by has made me realize why I'm alive after everything and I appreciate them for that.
My husband....... has been the best supporter. I seriously don't know how I would've gotten through everything if it weren't for him. We both lost a son. But somehow he still seems to keep it altogether and keep me smiling and happy on the days where I do feel like I'm at my lowest.
I love him. Always have and always will.
I know that God has a plan for each of us and I'm praying that somewhere in His plan for me, my husband and I will be able to be parents here in the physical world.
Dear Joseph,
I missed you today.
A lot more than I usually do.
I love you.
-Mom
