no such thing as coincidence

I've been going back and forth with myself on whether or not I should blog about the certain things that happened to me, leading up to the passing of my beloved father. I still feel as though I'm mourning for him and, quite frankly, I don't think that feeling will ever go away. 

Losing my dad was probably the hardest trial I have ever faced in my life, and I've fought a lot of hard battles before that. The events leading up to his death is a very personal part of my life that I have only shared with a few people, but I've recently been receiving promptings to share it with the world that I can't seem to shake.

Awhile back I taught a lesson to my Young Women about how hard it could be to recognize God's hand in your life, especially during times of trial and tribulation. I don't know about you guys, but I've definitely had times in my life where I really questioned the Lord and His plan for me. 

If you've been following my blog, you'd know that I'm no stranger to pain and heartache... and you would also know, that it wasn't until the loss of my sweet baby, Joseph, that my husband and I decided to make an honest change for ourselves and go back to what we knew was always true.

Our faith.

One thing about Tongan funerals that seem to always pull at my heart strings is the music. 

There's something about listening to people sing Tongan church hymns that I just find so beautiful and sweet-sounding. 

At such a sad time where people gather to mourn and the room is filled with tears of sadness, I feel the Lord's love and His spirit the strongest when the people are singing. I may not understand all the words, but there is no question that it makes me feel at peace.

About a month or so before my dad passed away, I was getting the impression that I needed to listen to a specific Tongan hymn that I would normally only hear at funerals. I would play it in my car on my way to work and on my way home from work, and as I would play it I would sit in my car and just cry.... sometimes it'd even be the uncontrollable ugly cry too... 

But while that song would play, I would always think to myself, "I would be so sad to hear this song play at my dads funeral".... and that's when the tears would start rolling down my cheeks. I remember one time I even pulled into my driveway while the song was still playing, and I stayed in my car and cried until it was finished before getting out. 

There I was, 8 months pregnant and thinking about how my pregnancy hormones have gotten the best of me, but looking back I feel as though it was a way for the Lord to prepare me for what was to come. Although no one could ever really be ready to lose a parent so unexpectedly, I do think that the Lord was looking out for me and my pregnancy at that time so that when it did happen, I was able to handle it and deal with it in a way that would keep me strong enough to take care of my newborn baby. 

December, was indeed, an extremely hard month for me and it seemed like the bad days outweighed the good..... but even when I did feel like I was emotionally unstable and could break into a million pieces at any given moment, somehow I managed to always pull through it for my son. 

In my other post, I blogged about the day I had my Noa boy, and how my c-section wasn't scheduled till later that evening but a spot ended up opening up and my husband and I were able to do it earlier. My little brother, Jordan, texted me just as I was about to head into the operation room and told me that my dad was in the hospital and was needing to have an emergency surgery. I remember texting back, "You and Aj stay with dad".... and then before I knew it we were in the O.R. and I was finally holding my baby boy that I've been waiting 9 loooooong months to meet. When I got back into the room we were so overjoyed with happiness that I only took one picture and sent it to my siblings and then the rest was just time focused on loving all over our new addition. 

My mom was the first to visit and then came my in-laws.... and then more family came by to visit as I spent time recovering over the next 4 days. During that time I was non-stop texting back and forth with my siblings who were in the hospital with my dad, asking how his surgery went and getting updates when I could. 

I was 1000% positive my dad was gonna pull through, he always did because that's just who he was. He was a superhero. He was a healthy, active man and was supposed to live for another 30+ years............ but my feelings of positivity faded away as soon as my brother told me that the doctors found more damage in his veins and were needing to do another surgery. 

I'm not going to go into detail, but because of how intense both surgeries were, my dad became less responsive and the fight for survival was too much for his body to handle. When I finally got the chance to visit him in the hospital, seeing him in person I knew his spirit was no longer present. But his physical body was left with just enough time for me and my family to be able to hug and kiss him good-bye. That day I remember crying to my sister that my heart just felt so heavy that our dad never got to meet Noa and see him.... and then she said, "Nikki he did see Noa.. I sent him a picture when you sent it to us and he saw it right before he went into surgery" and then she showed me a text from my dad replying to the picture saying he was so happy and relieved that me and baby came out okay. 

Aside from my husband, my dad was always one of the first few people I told when I found out I was expecting and his response was always the same.....

"Nikki, I already knew you were pregnant because I had a dream that you were."

He was, if not Rob, my shoulder to cry on throughout all my pregnancy losses. So being able to finally deliver not only a healthy baby, but his one & only grandson, was something so special for him. So you could only imagine the deep affliction I would be stuck with if he were to never get the chance to meet my son.

After reading that text, I started crying even more! The sorrow in my heart was lifted and I was so happy that he was able to receive this picture of me holding Noa before he passed...

If Noa had not suddenly changed positions from being head-down the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy, if I had chosen to wait another day to see if he'd change positions, if that spot for my c-section had not miraculously opened up.......... my dad would've never been able to see this picture and I would've lived with that feeling of guilt for the rest of my life. It's a thought that I firmly cling onto and flashes of his text message still appear randomly in my thoughts.

My little brother had also returned home from serving a full-time mission in Tonga just 6 months prior and because of that, he was able to conduct my dad's entire funeral in both Tongan & English. ---- What other person would be perfect enough to have that privilege other than his eldest son? Our knowledge of missionaries is that there is undoubting reasons as to why the Lord calls them to serve in specific areas around the world and I am certain that for my brother, this was one of them. 

My oldest sister, Pumpkin, who we had not seen in almost 5 years was able to visit us from Australia with her two daughters. This was a blessing in disguise. Financially, they weren't able to travel back to the states to visit, but for this specific time frame there just so happened to be a special on flights that allowed them to visit and it was the first time in years that we got to spend Thanksgiving as a whole, complete family. 

Children & grandchildren💙

Three weeks before everything happened, it was time for my sister and her girls to leave back to Australia. However, on that day, there a was a flight delay that caused them to miss their flight heading out to L.A. to catch their other flight to Australia..... and because they missed their flight out of L.A. back to Australia, there was no refund or transfers to other flights. So my sister was stuck in Utah for a couple more days trying to figure out a way back. Long story short, my dad ended up purchasing tickets for them so they could make it home to spend Christmas with my brother-in-law.

They left on the 11th, I had my son on the 16th, and my dad passed away on the 28th of that same month.

You could choose to look at it as though it was just bad luck, but I choose to think that the Lord was in a way trying to tell her that she needed to stay just a little bit longer.

I wish I could just share everything that was said between my dad and I, and every little thing that has happened as well, but those are things that cannot be told. 

Only felt. 

Next month will mark my dads one year of passing and I'm not gonna lie, it's taking me through a sea of emotions trying to plan for a celebration of life (my son's first birthday) and an anniversary of death (Dad's one year).... but as it's drawing near, I can't help but think of how much God really is involved in our lives and in everything we do even at times when you think not. 

I am a witness.

I believe in His work.

I know it and I've felt it.

1 Nephi 9:6
But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

4 months later...

Guys... my son is officially 4 months old

and I don't really know how I feel about that.

Like, where has the time gone?

And why does it seem like he's growing too fast?

Sometimes I still think it's crazy that he's really here.. with us..

and that he's really mine.

Like he actually grew inside me, in my belly, and is literally half of me and half of my husband.

Isn't that just crazy???

And I can probably watch these two sleep all night. 

Like really just sit & stare at them for forever and not get tired of it.. 

 Yea, I'm that kind of mom/wife.
But can I just throw it out there how great of a dad my husband is?!
He's always been really good with kids/babies and my nieces are obsessed with their Uncle Rob :) But to watch him love and take care of our son is now my most favorite thing in the world to see...

So, so what if I'm just a little obsessive over my boys?? :) 

#shruglife

(can we put hashtags in blogs? no??... ok)

I guess I never really thought about how mind-blown having a child of your own really is because it's just something that kinda happens all the time. 'Cause I mean, when I sit and reeeaaallly think about it, I'm just in awe. Lol. Flabbergasted, is really the word that comes to mind.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe you understand too. But after having a baby and going through the whole process (pregnancy, birth, postpartum, etc) women are seriously superheroes in my opinion. All women. 

And props to my fellow c-section mamas because that recovery (or at least my recovery) was horrific. ... Does that sound dramatic enough? Because it was just that.

Seriously, the hardest recovery I've ever had, compared to my other two that were vaginal deliveries. 

I knew that it was going to be a little tough because people told me so..... but I really didn't think I was prepared for alla' dat.
And I'm fully aware that it's not like that for everyone and some women recover better than others. But I was unfortunately one of those who got the short end of the stick. 

The best way I could describe it would be like if there was a planet of sucky-ness in outer space, where all things that were horrible lived there and everything just sucked all the time and all the aliens hated their lives because it sucked and nothing ever worked out in their favor.... then I would be the first human specie to survive on that planet.
 (Don't ask me where I come up with this stuff. This is literally how my mind works.)

And on top of recovering, I was also having to deal with the passing of my dad and preparing for his funeral which didn't make things any easier.
That I will probably leave for another post.

But THIS...

....THIS is the smile I wake up to every morning and the reason why all of that pain I went through was worth it :)

During the physical healing process of it all I was thinking to myself,
"Why in the world would anyone go through this again and again??? I'm never, EVER doing this again!"
but now I know and completely get why someone would go through it again... and it's because there is no other greater feeling in this world than looking at a soul that you created and being amazed that your body was once a home to this perfect little face and could probably be a home to more if you just let it.
The 6-8 weeks of recovery is definitely worth the lifetime of smiles, hugs and kisses that you'll be giving & getting.

So far... I've learned a few things about being a new mommy..

*sidenote: I know I have like a gazillion other things I need to learn but give this rookie mom a break, k?! :P

1) It's harder than it looks.
**Ok so this one is kind've a no-brainer, right? Wrong.... for me at least. hahaha.
I babysat my nieces all the time so I literally thought I had the "mommy swag" down to a T.
URNT.
I got reality checked.
Sometimes I would hear my sister(s) get up in the middle of the night when their babies would cry to eat and I was usually up too so I would try and help if I could. Not that bad, right? Wrong again. Lol.
When they said that you won't be getting any sleep. I thought, "Well I don't really sleep anyways so it should be cake." hahahha holy cow! if I could go back in time and slap myself, I would do it. I'm realizing now that you really don't see what goes on behind the scenes at being a mom. Even with my husband helping me, I was a hot mess. lol.

2) It's perfectly fine if you're wearing your Sunday pajamas on Wednesday because you haven't showered, brushed your teeth or fixed your hair.
**After having Noa and returning home from the hospital, I had a really hard time adjusting back into my normal life because this time around I had to surround my schedule around my baby's schedule. And him having to be fed every 2-3 hours, be rocked to sleep and then having anxiety that he might not be breathing while sleeping........ so you stay up to check if his heart is beating every 10 minutes. Not to mention realizing that it's almost 5pm and you haven't eaten anything at all that day...... it's pretty exhausting! Luckily, it has gotten a whole lot easier and I finally have my "mommy routine" down. But it def wasn't easy in the beginning.

3) There is no right or wrong way.
**I always thought that when you have a baby there are certain things that you HAVE TO do when it comes to raising them. Yes, there are some common sense things that you just don't teach your child and yes, you want them to have good habits. But I've definitely learned to stop comparing my parenting skills to others and to just do things the way that I know how and in the best way that I could.

4) Diapers, diapers aaaaaaand more diapers...
**I guess I never really realized how much diapers and wipes a baby really goes through. Again, I knew that they needed a lot. But that is just it, they really do need A WHOLE LOT. Lol.

5) Can you really have too much onesies?
**Pretty sure my son goes through his onesies just about as often as he goes through his diapers. And gosh dang do they grow hecka fast! Some of the onesies that I have, Noa only wore once. But am i missing something here? I hate when his onesies get dirty because I want him to be in a clean one at all times. Two cents are welcome! Ha

6) "ME" time is important.
**being a stay-at-home mom has been a huge blessing because there is no other thing I would do other than care for my son and watch him grow. But it can also be very challenging and at times, mentally draining. So i've definitely learned that getting some time to yourself to just regroup and refocus are much needed. When my husband gets home after work, the first thing he says to me is, "I'll watch Noa if you need to go anywhere or do anything or if you just wanna get away for a minute.." :) it's definitely the little things that count.

7) DO NOT.. I repeat, DO NOT go to Target when you & baby have nothing to do.
**I'm sure I don't really need to explain this one. But let's talk about why Target gotta have such cute baby clothes, though?!

  8) You know you & your spouse have become parents when you guys are arguing over who made the baby's bottle too hot.
**I know this one doesn't really make sense but this made me laugh thinking about it today. The other night my husband yelled at me for making the bottle too hot.... then when Baby's 2nd feeding round came along he ended up making it too hot also and we both sat there and whisper-argued for like 15 minutes so we don't wake the baby hahaha

9) Just relax.
**This one took me a minute to grasp. At first I was getting worked up over the littlest things until I realized that everything is fine if I just let it be fine. I'm a little bit of a perfectionist.... so when I was being a nazi over when and how the bottles should be washed, I realized I needed to just breathe a little bit. haha.

10) A whole new meaning of love.
**I seriously love my nieces with all of me. But it's true when they say that having your own is different. I still absolutely love my nieces to death and treat them like my own. But the bond you create and the feelings you have when you're in the hospital holding your baby for the first time is so far beyond me. 
Like, do you know those chocolate croissants at Starbucks? I probably could eat like 5 a day if I could. They've been my latest obsession. One bite of that melt-in-your-mouth goodness and I die a little inside because it's so heavenly.
Well, to me, this is so much better than that.


I'm sure some of you are reading these and thinking, "Come on Nikki, get it together!" haha. But trust me when I say that I'm definitely trying and just being honest with myself along the way lol.

Regardless of the struggles that I've gone through and will probably go through in the future when it comes to being a parent and raising my kid(s) while still trying to be a good wife to my amazing husband.... i'm sooooooooo grateful for this life that i'm currently living and for the people who are in it.

 xoxo,
nik

Dear Dad...

Dear Dad,

Today was really hard for me. 

It's passed midnight and I've probably sat here watching & replaying old videos of you while tears of sadness just continuously flow down my cheeks.

I miss you so much it hurts.

 I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you're really gone..
(physically, I mean)
You left so suddenly and it still feels like I can drive home and see you sitting outside watering the grass or fixing something in the garage.
..or even see you upstairs paying the bills in the same spot you always sit in at the kitchen table...

I really think that I'm just refusing to believe the fact that those are now just memories of you.

..it seems like just yesterday we were sitting at the kitchen table having a heart-to-heart over your famous chicken soup that you claimed to be the "healthiest soup" because you threw whatever you could find in the fridge in there (even if it was expired haha)
You always shared your food with me, even when there was only enough for one person.. and you never got mad at me when I would end up eating it all by myself.
You were just the best, Dad.

Days seem to drag since your burial...
Your service was nothing short of beautiful and there were so many people there. I think it's safe to say that you were loved by countless individuals.

Us kids all got up to speak and I had so many memories that I wanted to share with everyone..

...like when I used to call your phone and leave voicemails of me singing the star spangled banner and when I had my friends over you would offer to play it for them until I cried and begged you not to.
I almost peed my pants that day.

...or when you would get angry with me and I would write you letters telling you that I'm gonna run away because you don't love me anymore and then leave it on your bed so you would see it when you got home from work (dramatic much? haha)

..do you remember when I told you that I wanted a nose ring? And you walked allllllllll the way over to me from the couch in your room to slap me on the back of my head.
I think I was like in 5th grade when I said that? haha

..oh but let's not forget the summer time when you would blast your ABBA music outside on Saturday mornings while washing your mustang.. I think that's why I know 90% of the songs word-for-word.
Mama Mia will always remind me of you :)

..I even remember when I was younger and never went to bed until I got my "goodnight uma" from you. You would kiss my forehead then I would kiss yours... and I always went to bed knowing that you would keep me safe and away from the monsters.
Everyone was intimidated by you, but your daughters knew the softer side of you.
You were our big teddy bear. But the kind of teddy bear that would whoop on anyone when it came to your kids. haha.

As the days pass and I start feeling like I'm doing alright with you not being here, I look at your photos and I can't help but breakdown over and over... and over and over again..

They really ain't lying when they say that grief comes in waves.

Yesterday I was okay, but today I feel like I'm drowning.

I went home the other day to pick up a few things.
No one was home and the house felt so empty without you there.
The living room is filled with flowers just for you, Dad :)

 I went downstairs and sat in your room crying my eyes out while staring at all the pictures you had of us kids beside your bed...
I even took a few of your belongings with me just so I knew that they'll be kept safe with me at my house. 

I hope that's okay with you.

Some of your jackets and shirts still have your smell on them... and I wear them when I hold my son so that he can at least have that memory of your scent.

I hate to admit, but it's just not the same anymore.. and I don't think or know how it could ever be like that again without you around to take care of everything.
I keep telling Rob that growing up, I never had to worry about anything because you always had it covered.
The true definition of our family's backbone.

When Maile FaceTime'd me while she was beside you at the hospital, I saw it in her eyes that things didn't look good. I hadn't seen you yet, but I could tell that I needed to be there soon to see you and say good-bye.

The day that you had gone into the hospital was the day I had your only grandson, Noa.

It's funny because I wasn't scheduled for a c-section until later that evening, but the doc had came in saying that a spot had suddenly opened up and that we would be going into the operation room within the hour. 

When I look back and think about it, I think God purposely had that happen so that you would be able to see him before going into surgery.

Everyone says he looks like Rob, but there are other times when I look at him and see your face.

Sometimes when he laughs or smiles while he's sleeping, I like to think that it's you visiting him in his dreams and playing with him.

He would've loved you, Dad.

Because no one was as great of a "papa" as you..

says your best friend 'Ivahanoa. ha.

She misses you the most and still says that you're her best friend even though she knows you're in heaven now.

I'm sure it's beautiful up there and full of nothing but pure happiness and joy.
Did you see my boys?
They must be ecstatic that their papa is there to play with them.
I know I am.

It breaks my heart to know that I won't be seeing you in your room watching the news or ESPN like you always were..

..and I won't ever get to sit with you at church in the front row anymore..

...and I won't ever see you playing tennis at the tennis courts..
That's where we always knew where to find you.
If you weren't at home or the gym, you were there.
Playing tennis from dusk till dawn.

Remember when I had my first miscarriage? And I called you to tell you that I named him after you?
My Little Al.
 You paused, and I know that you were crying.. but you didn't want me to hear you.

And with my 2nd miscarriage, when I went downstairs and woke you up, while crying, asking you to please give me a blessing because I knew that I lost my baby.. 

And you did. With no hesitation.
And I can still feel your hand on my shoulder and your voice in my head telling me, "It's okay Nikki, you're gonna be okay"

You were always there for me, Dad.

Always.

I'm learning to deal with your passing, but for now I just want to mourn.
You were everything to me.
My provider.
My counselor.
My hero.
My security blanket.
My comforter.
and now you're my guardian angel.

I just want you to know that even though I'm hurting in the now because you are not around. I know and understand that everything happens for a reason and I will see you again one day.
And when that day comes and I'm able to see your handsome smile again..
it will most definitely be in pure and everlasting joy.

I love you, Dad.
With ALL of me.

Forever & Always,
Your "baby daughter"

my noa boy

...and here he is :)

tanginoa tuku'aho atiga

born 7lbs 2oz

at 2:29pm

on december 16th, 2016

welcome to this crazy world, my son.

you are so perfect.

Never knew a love like this...

my heart is full.

update coming soon.... :)

...almost there...

Tomorrow I will officially be 32 weeks pregnant, making this the furthest that I've ever been with any of my pregnancies. So I figured it only makes sense to do a bump selfie in bed :P

Today we had our check-up ultrasound and baby boy is right on track with his growth. He wouldn't stop moving for the nurse which made it a little hard for them to get measurements [I guess I shouldn't have drank that orange juice beforehand lol] but she was able to get some quick shots in and we are SO happy that all is well with our little wiggle worm.

I can definitely feel him growing in there and it's like every day I wake up and can tell that he's heavier than before. Which is such a great feeling for me..... but not my bladder.

Also, I feel like i'm officially at the "waddle" stage and it's now taking me twice as long to get on and off my bed and in and out of my car. Not to mention that my back will start hurting within the first 10 minutes of walking... oh, and did i mention that I feel like I need an oxygen tank with me everywhere I go? Talk about WINDED. haha. But I guess these are all the joys of pregnancy. And as much as I would love to be able to sleep through the night and eat without wanting to rip my throat out from acid reflux and heartburn....... I know that all that will be worth it when I get to see my sweet sons face. December is just around the corner and 

I. CAN'T. WAIT.

On to even bigger news.....

My husband and I will be moving into our first home in 3 weeks! Yes, the Atiga's will be residents of West Jordan, Utah come the 2nd week of November :) :) :) :)

I am SO excited and happy that we'll be able to settle in our home before our baby's arrival.

We have been looking for a home since August and after looking at tons of houses without finding "thee one" it was getting to the point where we almost thought that we were never going to get into a house that we love. Then one day a home got listed and my husband and I scheduled a viewing right away..... they really don't lie when they say that if you're house hunting and see a home that you like, jump on it because it could go under contract that same day.. so we did. And as soon as we walked in, we knew it was our home. We felt it and it felt right, so we placed an offer. The home was listed at the top of our price range, and even though we were unable to offer higher than was listed we came home that night and prayed to Heavenly Father that if this was meant to be our home, then we would know and things will work out the way it should. Our realtor even had me write a personalized letter to the homeowners which we sent in together with our offer and later that night our realtor texted and said that our offer was ACCEPTED! :)

As soon as my husband showed me the text, I looked at him with my big ol' eyeballs and starting crying haha. My mom and dad were in the room too and they were hugging us and congratulating us.

So aside from work, planning my baby shower and making sure things are good before leaving on my maternity leave..... I am also getting ready for the big move and our little guy's arrival.

It's been CRAAAAAZY hectic lately and I feel like i've been a crazy woman trying to get all of the above done in time for the holidays. But I'll save all that prepping venting for another post :P

Until next time,

nik <3 p="">

peace and blessings

It's just about time for bed and here I am, blogging and 21 weeks pregnant. (wait what?) yes, you read right. Rob and I are MORE than happy to announce that we are expecting yet another baby boy.... but most of you already knew that. haha. My dad is convinced that I'm meant to have boys and my sisters call me "the chosen one" because they all have girls. haha. I honestly thought it was gonna be a girl this time around, but I guess that somewhere up in heaven there's a boy that wants me to be his mom.

As you can only imagine, finding out that I was pregnant again not only filled my heart with pure joy... but it also brought feelings of anxiety. Lots and lots of anxiety.

This pregnancy so far has been different in most ways compared to my last. It's actually been great for the most part... And I do understand that every pregnancy is different.... but there's always that part of me that wonders if things will be okay in the end. If this pregnancy will be a successful one... if my baby is still doing okay inside of me..... etc. I know I shouldn't think this way. But after 3 consecutive losses, can you blame me?

Peace was definitely something that I felt like I needed on a daily basis. And lately I've found that through prayer and temple visits. Something I never thought I needed as much growing up and now I feel like it's the only sense of comfort that I have. I may not visit the temple as much as I need to, but I know and feel the happiness and love when I'm inside and it's almost like every worry I ever had/have is gone. Of course I still do have my occasional anxiety episodes, but I really think that I would be a crazy pregnant woman if I didn't have something to help me chill out once in awhile. lol.

Since I am now considered a high risk patient, I have switched doctors and am now seeing a specialist in maternal fetal medicine. It's been so great getting the extra attention that I need and the extra ultrasound appointments to help ease my anxiety as well. Not to mention one of my friends from high school gave me her fetal doppler so that I'm able to listen to my baby's heartbeat on my own time :) I've considered this all to be a blessing. My mind can be my worst enemy at times and it's just nice to have that support.

As I get farther along I've been feeling lots of movement lately and it's become my new favorite thing! Every time I feel a kick or a turn, I feel warmth inside my heart... and it makes me that much more excited for our little guy to be here. How this pregnancy will turn out, only God knows. But whatever the outcome may be, my husband and I are grateful to be chosen again and we are enjoying this journey as much as we can. If it's meant to be, then it will be.. and with time and lots of prayer, we fully understand that now. Not saying that my heart can take anymore heartache, but it's better to have loved and lost... right?

Ok I know I am sounding kind've negative but I promise you I'm not. Lol. I've actually been surprisingly positive throughout this pregnancy. Well..... as positive as I can get. haha. I'm ready. WE are ready. And are just so excited. It's crazy how much you can love someone you've never met ;)

December can't come soon enough :)

p.s I will do my best to keep the blog updated on pregnancy. If not, there's always social media haha

xoxo,

Nik

Our Trip: San Diego 2016

This passed February marked the one year anniversary since we said good-bye to our sweet stillborn son. I knew I'd be a hot mess that whole week so I requested time off from work to just have that time to myself to remember him...... and remember the memories.... and just grieve.......
because I can.

My husband of course didn't want to watch me cry my eyes out for a whole week, so he had brought up the idea to take a trip. Just the two of us.

At first I thought about how that could affect us financially because of how sudden the decision was, but then I realized that it's okay to make spontaneous decisions every once in awhile. So.. we just did it.
We thought about places where we wanted to go, and I knew FOR SURE that I wanted to go somewhere with warmer weather and a beach. (only because I wanted to be able to wear my bikini that I know eeeeeeeeveryone would just LOVE to see me in :P)

We thought about Hawaii... which I really would have loved, but my husband wanted to be extra brand new and go somewhere we've both never been to. I guess around that time Rob's supervisor took a trip out to San Diego and absolutely loved it.... so we decided on that and our plans for a getaway trip was set :)

We booked our cottage and our car rental, and made it into a road trip. [Sidenote: Me and Rob never took a road trip together either.... so I was pretty excited and looking forward to our alone time on the road AND in California]

This was the first time ever that Rob and I were to be taking/planning for a trip with literally just the two of us on our own. I mean, yea we've done plenty of stay-cation trips, but this was gonna be driving to a different state and getting around and doing things with just me and him. For a WHOLE week! Without any distractions or other plans with other people. I was MORE than excited!!!

We left Salt Lake at around 3:30am (yep, bright-eyed and bushy tailed the whole 12 hours it took to get there) and FINALLY arrived around 2pm.

I'm so upset we didn't get any pictures of our one bedroom cottage that we reserved for that week because it was seriously the cutest place! It was behind a 3 bedroom house and was was located right off of Mission Bay. We were also in walking distance of Mission Beach which was the first place I wanted to go to as soon as we got there. Seriously, I did not even get ready or put on make-up or anything.... we pulled up to our cottage, unloaded our bags, changed clothes and headed straight to the beach! Yep. No waste time for me! haha It was a little windy that day, but that wasn't about to stop me from getting my beach time. Even if it was pouring rain, I probably..... no wait.... I WOULD still want to go. haha.

After spending a few hours just admiring the ocean and walking along the boardwalk. We finally went home and instead of going and doing more sight-seeing..... what did we do??! We ordered pizza! hahaha. We were sooooooooo drained from the drive and then heading to the beach right after that we were not in the mood to get up and go out again. So we stayed in and celebrated our safe arrival with a large bbq chicken pizza and bbq wings.... and I may or may not have celebrated a lil too much with 4... or 5 slices. Judge me, I dare you.

Day two.. and we started out our day bright and early. First we went to check out Ocean Beach to kill time before heading to our massage appointment. I was going to see if I could book one of those fancy shmancy ones where we get a massage on the beach under a hut.. You know like in the movies?!..... buuuut..... since I'm not Beyoncé, that didn't happen. haha. jk. No but forreal.. we got our massage at a place called Therapie Day Spa and they were the BOMB DOT COM! -- it was a super tiny place right off the beach and my husband absolutely looooooved it. Afterwards we just went and did more sight seeing and pretty much drove around everywhere. We probably ate Jack N' the Box like 20 times.... not even exaggerating.

The cottage we stayed in had bikes that we were able to use during our stay. So after taking a nap we took a bike ride around Mission Bay and then to Pacific Beach where we got some MORE beach time and then watched the sunset... Can you tell I couldn't get away from the beach?!

There's something about the sunset on the ocean that just takes my breath away and I couldn't get over how beautiful it was. I looked at Rob told him that I'm calling my job and telling them I quit so I can move to San Diego with or without him.. lol.

The vibe there was just so laid back and chill... almost like nobody had any worries. I loved it! It was just such a happy environment. Not that Utah isn't a happy place... but there was something about San Diego that I just loved. It was perfect. I think I'm even more mad at myself that I didn't take that great of pictures so you guys can see how pretty it was.... but I think that even with pictures it would still just be one of those things where you would have to actually see it to believe it.

Rob was dead set on going paragliding while on this trip. But since we were visiting during the "winter" months, most places were closed. We did find one that was open, but there ended up being no wind that day so they weren't flying anyone. BOOO! I even talked myself up to do it after being too scared and then there had to be no wind. [insert two thumbs down] So we ended up going on a little hike that ended us up with a beautiful scenery of the ocean...... again...... which we definitely did NOT take for granted. I loved that we would wake up without any idea of what we were gonna do for that day and just did whatever came to our minds without arguing or with one person wanting to go here and the other wanting to go there. It was nice.

Even though we didn't necessarily have set plans during our trip, visiting and getting to do a session in the San Diego temple was definitely a must for us. We specifically chose the actual day that marked the one year to go because we felt like it was a special day. A day that we needed to feel closer to our Heavenly Father and feel the comfort that the temple brings.

It was beeeaaauuuutiful.

Afterwards we went to eat and then ended up back at Mission Beach. We were next to 3 beaches.... and we probably went to each beach 2

 or 3 times. That was all I wanted to do! I didn't care to do anything else but be a beach bum, eat and relax. And I loved that my husband was completely down to just hangout at the beach with me. The whole time we were there we just kept telling each other that we couldn't believe we were actually together in San Diego on vacation.

What made it even better was that the weather was perfect the whole week that we were there. (Thank you, mother nature!)

Kayaking at Mission Bay

It wasn't long before Rob wanted to go kayaking...... so here we are. haha. I kept pretending to tip the kayak and Rob was getting so mad at me. haha.

Later that night we ended up going on a walk and somehow ended up at some type of night time farmers market. Tons of cool stuff there and we ate the yummiest gyros..

Then we asked a drunk to take this picture for us.... which this would be take 30. Every other picture was blurry. hahaha. smh.

But anyways, time was passing by a lot faster than what we wanted and before we knew it, it was our last night there. :*(

Sadly, I don't have any pictures of our last night. But Rob and I ended up going to downtown for a nice early Valentines Day dinner and dessert. It was definitely the cherry on top to our trip. Time flew by TOO quick and we were so not ready for reality. I just wanted to stay there maybe just for another week or so. lol.

Once we made it back home we were SO sad that our trip was over... but Rob was so in love with San Diego that he said he wanted to make it an annual trip for us... but we'll see lol

This was definitely a trip well worth it and I'm totally looking forward to more trips with this hot man of mine.

Dear San Diego,

Thank you for being so good to my husband and I.

We will definitely be visiting you again soon.

xoxo,

the atigas <3 b="">