Pray, He is there..

I think the hardest part about blogging is starting it... I'm pretty sure that I must've re-typed the beginning of this blog over 20 times before I decided that I'm just going to type whatever's on my mind and leave it how it is... so here it is...

This past Sunday I had an experience that I've been wanting to blog about.. it's been on my mind since then and I've just been kind've amazed since it happened... 

-To shorten the story a little bit, before I had found out that I miscarried I had gotten into a really bad argument with my husband and said a lot of things that left me with feelings of guilt. Even though my husband forgave me for it, I didn't know why I was still feeling the way I did... like I still had heavy weights on my shoulders.. And as days went by I felt like the guilt then lead to feelings of hate.

I hated everything and everyone.

I was irritable at every little thing my husband would do or say.. and I found myself making up excuses just to add fuel to my fire. And because I was so full of guilt and hate, I became very depressed. It was a side of depression that I never thought I would find myself in... I felt like I was a failure.. I felt so upset and angry at how my life turned out and I was taking it all out on the people who I love. 

Terrible, right? 

..It's like you don't think that it would be that serious but then you find yourself having hateful thoughts towards the people who have done nothing but love you and it just consumes your mind... your actions... everything. I know Satan must've gotten into my head somehow because I was feeling a lot of things I never thought I would feel.. and anyone who really knows me, knows that I'm far from being a negative person and that guilt, hate, regret and depression don't fall into my description. But every part of me fell into a dark hole and I felt like I needed someway to pull myself out.

I woke up Sunday morning and decided that I didn't want to go to church because of how I felt.. and seeing/talking to people was just something I didn't feel like doing because I was just depressed and wanted to be left alone.. So my husband went without me. 

While he was gone I broke down in my room and sat alone on my bed literally bawling my eyes out.... and that's when I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father asking him to forgive me.
I told Him that I was sorry for the way I've been...
and asked him to forgive me for all the hateful thoughts/feelings that I had..
I asked Him to forgive me for what I had said to my husband in our argument that left me with guilt and regret.
I asked Him to forgive me for being blind to my own selfish actions, and to please help me to understand and see the wrong that's overcome my mind so that I can make it right...
And I asked him to please fill my heart with happiness and love and to help me find strength to truly understand His plan for me so that I can no longer live in my past.

 ----I know that people say it all the time to pray because He is listening... but on Sunday I honestly felt like he was right beside me with His arms wrapped around me as I was on my knees weeping & praying to Him. I can't even explain the feeling I felt at that moment other than I literally had a change of heart. 

I felt genuine peace in my heart. 

.....and it was like everything that I was feeling earlier that week just magically disappeared and I was myself again. I felt His presence and it was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt in my life. Just to have that feeling of confirmation that He was there and He was listening to me, made me so grateful.

Before that day I never really truly understood the power of prayer... and since then I've just been so amazed at how different my days have been. Later that night I e-mailed my little brother who is serving his mission in Nuku'alofa, Tonga.. I shared with him my experience and told him about how I was feeling and here's part of his reply: 

"You can look at all your troubles now Nikki in a way of sorrow, hate, depression and feeling sorry for yourself because you feel hopeless, you cant help yourself, or anybody. So you start to have feelings of Satan. But I want you to look at everything in a way that Jesus did.  When he suffered for you, Robert and your kids while in the Garden, do you think he suffered so that you can feel like that?"

This stuck with me.. because he's right. He also reminded me  that Satan wants me to think that I'm fighting all my trials alone when really I have Heavenly Father to help me fight my battles:

"We already know who He wants us to be, in the BoM, the vision for everybody, is to 'inherit the things of The Father'. Everything he has, he wants to give to us, but the way to get it, is His way.  Trust in Him Nikki, turn to him in everything, and NEVER FACE ADVERSITY ALONE, for Jesus is there, and has done it all for us, in The Garden. "

I don't think anyone could ever really understand how this whole thing has changed my perspective on things and how it's made me feel.

I'm so grateful for my family, for the gospel, and for my Heavenly Father who continues to bless me and my family.