Dear Dad,
Today was really hard for me.
It's passed midnight and I've probably sat here watching & replaying old videos of you while tears of sadness just continuously flow down my cheeks.
I miss you so much it hurts.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you're really gone..
(physically, I mean)
You left so suddenly and it still feels like I can drive home and see you sitting outside watering the grass or fixing something in the garage.
..or even see you upstairs paying the bills in the same spot you always sit in at the kitchen table...
I really think that I'm just refusing to believe the fact that those are now just memories of you.
..it seems like just yesterday we were sitting at the kitchen table having a heart-to-heart over your famous chicken soup that you claimed to be the "healthiest soup" because you threw whatever you could find in the fridge in there (even if it was expired haha)
You always shared your food with me, even when there was only enough for one person.. and you never got mad at me when I would end up eating it all by myself.
You were just the best, Dad.
(physically, I mean)
You left so suddenly and it still feels like I can drive home and see you sitting outside watering the grass or fixing something in the garage.
..or even see you upstairs paying the bills in the same spot you always sit in at the kitchen table...
I really think that I'm just refusing to believe the fact that those are now just memories of you.
..it seems like just yesterday we were sitting at the kitchen table having a heart-to-heart over your famous chicken soup that you claimed to be the "healthiest soup" because you threw whatever you could find in the fridge in there (even if it was expired haha)
You always shared your food with me, even when there was only enough for one person.. and you never got mad at me when I would end up eating it all by myself.
You were just the best, Dad.
Days seem to drag since your burial...
Your service was nothing short of beautiful and there were so many people there. I think it's safe to say that you were loved by countless individuals.
Us kids all got up to speak and I had so many memories that I wanted to share with everyone..
...like when I used to call your phone and leave voicemails of me singing the star spangled banner and when I had my friends over you would offer to play it for them until I cried and begged you not to.
I almost peed my pants that day.
...or when you would get angry with me and I would write you letters telling you that I'm gonna run away because you don't love me anymore and then leave it on your bed so you would see it when you got home from work (dramatic much? haha)
..do you remember when I told you that I wanted a nose ring? And you walked allllllllll the way over to me from the couch in your room to slap me on the back of my head.
I think I was like in 5th grade when I said that? haha
..oh but let's not forget the summer time when you would blast your ABBA music outside on Saturday mornings while washing your mustang.. I think that's why I know 90% of the songs word-for-word.
Mama Mia will always remind me of you :)
..I even remember when I was younger and never went to bed until I got my "goodnight uma" from you. You would kiss my forehead then I would kiss yours... and I always went to bed knowing that you would keep me safe and away from the monsters.
Everyone was intimidated by you, but your daughters knew the softer side of you.
You were our big teddy bear. But the kind of teddy bear that would whoop on anyone when it came to your kids. haha.
As the days pass and I start feeling like I'm doing alright with you not being here, I look at your photos and I can't help but breakdown over and over... and over and over again..
Your service was nothing short of beautiful and there were so many people there. I think it's safe to say that you were loved by countless individuals.
Us kids all got up to speak and I had so many memories that I wanted to share with everyone..
...like when I used to call your phone and leave voicemails of me singing the star spangled banner and when I had my friends over you would offer to play it for them until I cried and begged you not to.
I almost peed my pants that day.
...or when you would get angry with me and I would write you letters telling you that I'm gonna run away because you don't love me anymore and then leave it on your bed so you would see it when you got home from work (dramatic much? haha)
..do you remember when I told you that I wanted a nose ring? And you walked allllllllll the way over to me from the couch in your room to slap me on the back of my head.
I think I was like in 5th grade when I said that? haha
..oh but let's not forget the summer time when you would blast your ABBA music outside on Saturday mornings while washing your mustang.. I think that's why I know 90% of the songs word-for-word.
Mama Mia will always remind me of you :)
..I even remember when I was younger and never went to bed until I got my "goodnight uma" from you. You would kiss my forehead then I would kiss yours... and I always went to bed knowing that you would keep me safe and away from the monsters.
Everyone was intimidated by you, but your daughters knew the softer side of you.
You were our big teddy bear. But the kind of teddy bear that would whoop on anyone when it came to your kids. haha.
As the days pass and I start feeling like I'm doing alright with you not being here, I look at your photos and I can't help but breakdown over and over... and over and over again..
They really ain't lying when they say that grief comes in waves.
Yesterday I was okay, but today I feel like I'm drowning.
I went home the other day to pick up a few things.
No one was home and the house felt so empty without you there.
The living room is filled with flowers just for you, Dad :)
No one was home and the house felt so empty without you there.
The living room is filled with flowers just for you, Dad :)
I went downstairs and sat in your room crying my eyes out while staring at all the pictures you had of us kids beside your bed...
I even took a few of your belongings with me just so I knew that they'll be kept safe with me at my house.
I even took a few of your belongings with me just so I knew that they'll be kept safe with me at my house.
I hope that's okay with you.
Some of your jackets and shirts still have your smell on them... and I wear them when I hold my son so that he can at least have that memory of your scent.
I hate to admit, but it's just not the same anymore.. and I don't think or know how it could ever be like that again without you around to take care of everything.
I keep telling Rob that growing up, I never had to worry about anything because you always had it covered.
The true definition of our family's backbone.
When Maile FaceTime'd me while she was beside you at the hospital, I saw it in her eyes that things didn't look good. I hadn't seen you yet, but I could tell that I needed to be there soon to see you and say good-bye.
I keep telling Rob that growing up, I never had to worry about anything because you always had it covered.
The true definition of our family's backbone.
When Maile FaceTime'd me while she was beside you at the hospital, I saw it in her eyes that things didn't look good. I hadn't seen you yet, but I could tell that I needed to be there soon to see you and say good-bye.
The day that you had gone into the hospital was the day I had your only grandson, Noa.
It's funny because I wasn't scheduled for a c-section until later that evening, but the doc had came in saying that a spot had suddenly opened up and that we would be going into the operation room within the hour.
When I look back and think about it, I think God purposely had that happen so that you would be able to see him before going into surgery.
Everyone says he looks like Rob, but there are other times when I look at him and see your face.
Sometimes when he laughs or smiles while he's sleeping, I like to think that it's you visiting him in his dreams and playing with him.
He would've loved you, Dad.
Because no one was as great of a "papa" as you..
says your best friend 'Ivahanoa. ha.
She misses you the most and still says that you're her best friend even though she knows you're in heaven now.
I'm sure it's beautiful up there and full of nothing but pure happiness and joy.
Did you see my boys?
They must be ecstatic that their papa is there to play with them.
I know I am.
It breaks my heart to know that I won't be seeing you in your room watching the news or ESPN like you always were..
..and I won't ever get to sit with you at church in the front row anymore..I'm sure it's beautiful up there and full of nothing but pure happiness and joy.
Did you see my boys?
They must be ecstatic that their papa is there to play with them.
I know I am.
It breaks my heart to know that I won't be seeing you in your room watching the news or ESPN like you always were..
...and I won't ever see you playing tennis at the tennis courts..
That's where we always knew where to find you.
If you weren't at home or the gym, you were there.
Playing tennis from dusk till dawn.
That's where we always knew where to find you.
If you weren't at home or the gym, you were there.
Playing tennis from dusk till dawn.
Remember when I had my first miscarriage? And I called you to tell you that I named him after you?
My Little Al.
You paused, and I know that you were crying.. but you didn't want me to hear you.
And with my 2nd miscarriage, when I went downstairs and woke you up, while crying, asking you to please give me a blessing because I knew that I lost my baby..
And you did. With no hesitation.
And I can still feel your hand on my shoulder and your voice in my head telling me, "It's okay Nikki, you're gonna be okay"
And I can still feel your hand on my shoulder and your voice in my head telling me, "It's okay Nikki, you're gonna be okay"
You were always there for me, Dad.
Always.
I'm learning to deal with your passing, but for now I just want to mourn.
You were everything to me.
My provider.
My counselor.
My hero.
My security blanket.
My comforter.
and now you're my guardian angel.
I just want you to know that even though I'm hurting in the now because you are not around. I know and understand that everything happens for a reason and I will see you again one day.
And when that day comes and I'm able to see your handsome smile again..
it will most definitely be in pure and everlasting joy.
I love you, Dad.
With ALL of me.
Forever & Always,
Your "baby daughter"
I'm learning to deal with your passing, but for now I just want to mourn.
You were everything to me.
My provider.
My counselor.
My hero.
My security blanket.
My comforter.
and now you're my guardian angel.
I just want you to know that even though I'm hurting in the now because you are not around. I know and understand that everything happens for a reason and I will see you again one day.
And when that day comes and I'm able to see your handsome smile again..
it will most definitely be in pure and everlasting joy.
I love you, Dad.
With ALL of me.
Forever & Always,
Your "baby daughter"
