what's in your bag?

It's a slow day in the office today.... 

and I've been wanting to do a "what's in your bag?" post ever since I read one that my sister-in-law did awhile back...

To be honest I've never really been into purses until I hit like my senior year of high school. I just didn't care for them.... until I realized how convenient they were and how cute they can be when paired with a good outfit. haha.

This is the one I am currently using and have been for the past 3 months(?).. I normally switch out my purses after awhile but honestly I've just been too lazy to do so..

I got it on sale at Francesca's which is where I've been purchasing my purses from lately. They have thee. cutest. purses. ever.. and I almost always find one I love every time I go in.

Before this one I got a grey one there too that I looooooved but pretty much wore it out until I got tired of it. 

Anyways, here's a pano of what's currently in my bag... I recently cleaned it out too so I apologize if the items I have aren't interesting enough... haha

- my Coach wallet: ..my mom gave me that wallet for my 18th birthday and I've had it ever since. I keep telling myself that I need a new one but every time I go wallet shopping I feel like none of them compare to this one. Or maybe it's just a sentimental thing? I don't know.

- "loveswept" perfume by Philosophy: ...my all-time favorite perfume will forever be "hearts & daggers" by Ed Hardy... but I think it got discontinued awhile ago. This one is just my "back-up" perfume for when I forget to spray before leaving the house. I don't even know where I got it.... I think I took it from my sister the last time she came to visit.

- Pure Daydream lotion from Victoria Secret: ..I won that and a body butter at a bachelorette party (don't ask me how) I went to a couple months ago and I've just kept it in my purse since then. Also for when I wear skirts to work and forget to lotion my legs..

- RayBan sunglasses: ..Rob bought me those sunglasses just before our trip to Hawaii.. I'm surprised it's lasted me this long because I'm notorious for losing sunglasses right after I've purchased them.

- a pay stub: ..whoops, guess I forgot to take that out.

- Make-up bag: ..for those mid-day touch-ups.. which really only has like 4 different brands of black mascara in it and like 6 lip glosses.. all of which are like the same color.

- Anastasia Brow Wiz: ....my holy grail-  I NEVER leave my house without filling in my eyebrows.. and this has literally been a lifesaver... 
- Hair Tie: ..I get annoyed of my hair when I have it down for too long..
- Bobby Pins: ...well what else would you use bobby pins for?
- Office keys: ..for work.. obvi..

- Falsies (false lashes): ....I have a bad false eyelash addiction. Those one's are actually my "diva" lashes that I only wear for a night out.. but I have different ones that I wear depending on my mood haha

- Lip Liner & Lipstick: ..my [current] favorite pair of lippies that I've been wearing on a weekly basis.. Verve and Plum lipliner by MAC..

- UD Naked2 Palette: ..I think I just threw it in my purse one day when I forgot to put eyeshadow on and then just left it in there.

- Nail File: ...honestly I don't even know why I have that. I don't ever file my nails.
- Day-planner: ..I tend to forget eeeeeverything.. so it pretty much helps me keep track of things.
- Fiber One bar: ...that I ate right before taking this picture haha. But I do normally keep a few granola bars in my purse too.

...and the rest was pretty much just receipts from Beans&Brews (because I go there at least 3 times a week.... don't judge me) and gum/candy wrappers that I'm too lazy to take to the actual trash can so I just shove it in my purse.. :)

Couples Trip: Hawaii 2015

A couple months ago Rob and I made the spontaneous decision to go to Hawaii with his older sister, Tangi, and her husband Matt. It was something we had thought about but didn't really think that we were actually gonna go through with until all of a sudden.... BAM! We were packed and on a plane heading for Honolulu :) 

First of all, let me just point out that I'm not a huge fan of flying. And being that this was my first time ever to Hawaii I really wasn't looking forward to the 6 hour flight.. but it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I slept most of the time and I didn't die, which (according to my husband) is how I was acting.. [insert eye roll]..
But anyways,

THIS [see picture below] is what I saw when my husband woke me up and told me to look out the window.... 

Beautiful, right?? I know.
 Looking at this made me want to throw on my mermaid suit [because what girl doesn't have a mermaid suit?!] and dive into those waters!

Rob & I got there early afternoon on a Tuesday and had the whole rest of the day to spend with just the two of us. After we got settled in our hotel room I told Rob I wanted to go to the beach first..[duh!] and then the next thing I know, Rob is waking me up because I (apparently) was out like a lightbulb as soon as I laid down on the bed.... whoops.

Long story short, we ended up just hanging out at the hotel all night and slept in the next day while having a few extra hours to kill before the Asiata's {Tangi & Matt} arrived. 

Being that Hawaii is where my husband is originally from, he knew all the good places to take me to. We had breakfast at Zippy's and then took a drive down to Waipahu where he showed me the house he grew up in and the neighborhood he used to play in. You could tell that he loved showing me around his old stomping grounds and telling me stories of his childhood...
It was a humbling experience for sure, and I'm so happy I got to experience it with him.

After driving around Waipahu we met up with my little cousin [who is currently serving in the Honolulu, Hawaii mission] and his companion and took them out for lunch at Zippy's... Again...

Yes, we ate Zippy's twice that day.

Don't judge us.

Elder Kichiro & I

He will be returning home to Magna, Utah this upcoming August!

How exciting is that!?

After we dropped the Elders off we decided to go for a walk along Waikiki Beach.... I seriously just loved everything about Hawaii. It was so surreal. We didn't go swimming though.. only because I forgot to pack my string bikini ;) 

That night Tangi & Matt got there and we ended up just grabbing a bite to eat and heading back to the hotel.
The next day the four of us just drove around the island (sight seeing for the most part) until we ended up at Makapu'u Lookout.

The view was absolutely amazing.. 

Then of course we ended up picking up Robs brother Muka and his wife, Cassidi, up from the airport  that evening and drove straight from there to watch a dinner show that Rob's aunt had set us up for. 

The next day we spent a little bit of time at Laie Point before heading out to meet Rob's grandpa at the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC)... he seriously has the sweetest/cutest grandpa on earth... he had our tickets ready for us as soon as we arrived and showed us all his favorite islands.. best tour guide EVER!

All of us waiting to watch the canoe show..

Riding the canoe to visit Tonga & Samoa.. hands down, my two favorite islands from the trip!

This was at the dinner show before the actual night show...  

**I didn't get any pics from the big show only cause I didn't want to be rude and be taking pictures throughout the show haha 

All of us with Grandpa Kauasi

..and of course, even though this guy was annoying the hell outta me that day, you know I had to get one with just me and him.. :) 

We pretty much spent our entire day there and I loved it.

On our last day there, Robs family had a barbecue for one of his nieces birthday at Ala Moana beach and of course we had to get another picture! 

The weather.. the sand.. the water... everything was PERFECT that day.

Straight from the beach we went to meet his uncle for dinner and then after that we went to his aunts house for dessert. We seriously had that entire day planned out for us by his family and we were all so exhausted by the end of the day.

This picture was taken at Robs grandpa's house. 

That was the one thing that Rob wanted me to see before leaving... was the view from his grandpas balcony that he wouldn't stop talking about since we set foot off the plane...

It was breathtaking... and I couldn't get over how beautiful it was... it's definitely something that you would have to actually see with your own eyes to really soak it all in.

I wish I had a better camera since the majority of these pics were from my phone... but all in all it was a pretty successful trip!

Rob and I are definitely planning on going back hopefully later this year or early next.

Pray, He is there..

I think the hardest part about blogging is starting it... I'm pretty sure that I must've re-typed the beginning of this blog over 20 times before I decided that I'm just going to type whatever's on my mind and leave it how it is... so here it is...

This past Sunday I had an experience that I've been wanting to blog about.. it's been on my mind since then and I've just been kind've amazed since it happened... 

-To shorten the story a little bit, before I had found out that I miscarried I had gotten into a really bad argument with my husband and said a lot of things that left me with feelings of guilt. Even though my husband forgave me for it, I didn't know why I was still feeling the way I did... like I still had heavy weights on my shoulders.. And as days went by I felt like the guilt then lead to feelings of hate.

I hated everything and everyone.

I was irritable at every little thing my husband would do or say.. and I found myself making up excuses just to add fuel to my fire. And because I was so full of guilt and hate, I became very depressed. It was a side of depression that I never thought I would find myself in... I felt like I was a failure.. I felt so upset and angry at how my life turned out and I was taking it all out on the people who I love. 

Terrible, right? 

..It's like you don't think that it would be that serious but then you find yourself having hateful thoughts towards the people who have done nothing but love you and it just consumes your mind... your actions... everything. I know Satan must've gotten into my head somehow because I was feeling a lot of things I never thought I would feel.. and anyone who really knows me, knows that I'm far from being a negative person and that guilt, hate, regret and depression don't fall into my description. But every part of me fell into a dark hole and I felt like I needed someway to pull myself out.

I woke up Sunday morning and decided that I didn't want to go to church because of how I felt.. and seeing/talking to people was just something I didn't feel like doing because I was just depressed and wanted to be left alone.. So my husband went without me. 

While he was gone I broke down in my room and sat alone on my bed literally bawling my eyes out.... and that's when I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father asking him to forgive me.
I told Him that I was sorry for the way I've been...
and asked him to forgive me for all the hateful thoughts/feelings that I had..
I asked Him to forgive me for what I had said to my husband in our argument that left me with guilt and regret.
I asked Him to forgive me for being blind to my own selfish actions, and to please help me to understand and see the wrong that's overcome my mind so that I can make it right...
And I asked him to please fill my heart with happiness and love and to help me find strength to truly understand His plan for me so that I can no longer live in my past.

 ----I know that people say it all the time to pray because He is listening... but on Sunday I honestly felt like he was right beside me with His arms wrapped around me as I was on my knees weeping & praying to Him. I can't even explain the feeling I felt at that moment other than I literally had a change of heart. 

I felt genuine peace in my heart. 

.....and it was like everything that I was feeling earlier that week just magically disappeared and I was myself again. I felt His presence and it was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt in my life. Just to have that feeling of confirmation that He was there and He was listening to me, made me so grateful.

Before that day I never really truly understood the power of prayer... and since then I've just been so amazed at how different my days have been. Later that night I e-mailed my little brother who is serving his mission in Nuku'alofa, Tonga.. I shared with him my experience and told him about how I was feeling and here's part of his reply: 

"You can look at all your troubles now Nikki in a way of sorrow, hate, depression and feeling sorry for yourself because you feel hopeless, you cant help yourself, or anybody. So you start to have feelings of Satan. But I want you to look at everything in a way that Jesus did.  When he suffered for you, Robert and your kids while in the Garden, do you think he suffered so that you can feel like that?"

This stuck with me.. because he's right. He also reminded me  that Satan wants me to think that I'm fighting all my trials alone when really I have Heavenly Father to help me fight my battles:

"We already know who He wants us to be, in the BoM, the vision for everybody, is to 'inherit the things of The Father'. Everything he has, he wants to give to us, but the way to get it, is His way.  Trust in Him Nikki, turn to him in everything, and NEVER FACE ADVERSITY ALONE, for Jesus is there, and has done it all for us, in The Garden. "

I don't think anyone could ever really understand how this whole thing has changed my perspective on things and how it's made me feel.

I'm so grateful for my family, for the gospel, and for my Heavenly Father who continues to bless me and my family. 

feelings

I feel like I only really blog when I have a million things running through my mind to the point where I need to blog it out or I'm gonna fall apart. It's been two weeks since I lost my son.. and for the most part I've been okay..

But today.... I'm not okay.

Last night I had a dream that for a glimpse second I was holding my son again... in my arms..... where he is supposed to be..... and for that moment everything felt so perfect..

But then I woke up to empty arms and my eyes filled with tears and my world suddenly fell apart again.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I mean I know I'm not perfect..... but my son was...

I mean, was it something I said? Was it something I did? Was there something I didn't do, but should've? I just don't understand why these things happen to me. I mean, I do understand.. but then I don't...

About a week and a half before I went in for my check-up appointment I noticed that my son had stopped moving. I went from constantly feeling his kicks and turns to not feeling anything at all.. a part of me wanted to believe that he was still okay.... but the other part already knew that something wasn't right.

It was one of those things where my mind already knew that my son was gone, but my heart didn't want to accept it.

Walking into my appointment I told myself over and over again that he was okay.. literally coming up with every excuse I could think of to keep myself from falling apart. But the only thing that came to mind was back to the day that I lost my first son in 2013....

..and then it was confirmed... 31 weeks pregnant while laying in the ultrasound room I was told that my son no longer had a heartbeat.. and my heart broke... for the third time..

You think it'd be easier. But it's not.

It's harder. A lot harder.

As I held my son in my arms.. all I thought of was how perfect and handsome he was.. and at that moment he became the love of my life.

It was beautiful and devastating at the same time.

A bittersweet moment that I'll cherish forever.

People keep telling me that I'm strong... but the truth is that even though I look like I am.. I definitely don't feel like I am..

Physically? I'm getting better and better everyday. But mentally? I'm an emotional rollercoaster.

How can you ever fully recover from losing your child? And my answer is that you can't. Two years later and I still have my bad days where I'm too depressed to leave my room... too depressed to eat... too depressed to see/talk to anyone.. but then there are my good days where I'm perfectly fine and excited and ready to take on the new day.

I still don't feel complete..

and that's in all honesty.

But thinking about all the amazing people {friends&family} that we're surrounded by has made me realize why I'm alive after everything and I appreciate them for that.

My husband....... has been the best supporter. I seriously don't know how I would've gotten through everything if it weren't for him. We both lost a son. But somehow he still seems to keep it altogether and keep me smiling and happy on the days where I do feel like I'm at my lowest.

I love him. Always have and always will.

I know that God has a plan for each of us and I'm praying that somewhere in His plan for me, my husband and I will be able to be parents here in the physical world.

Dear Joseph,

I missed you today.

A lot more than I usually do.

I love you.

-Mom 

my aloha baby

On February 11th, 2015.. I delivered my sweet still-born son into this world..

His name is Joseph Aloha Komakou Anela Mailani Atiga.

Born too perfect for this world.

Dear Joseph,

You left too soon.

I wish you would've stayed with me here on earth... and it broke my heart to have to say good-bye to you. But I understand that God needed you back in heaven.

I loved getting to hold you in my arms.. I didn't want to let you go.. I kept telling myself that this was all just a bad dream that I needed to wake up from.

You were so perfect in my eyes.

Even though the time we got to spend with you was short, we were SO grateful that we were able to hold you close and shower you with our kisses before letting you go.

I know you and your brother are in good hands.. but please look out for each other..

We love you so much, my sweet aloha baby.

Forever and Always.

xoxo

August

There are so many things to be grateful for, and August was a month that reminded me just how lucky I am to be surrounded by the ones who I love most.

My younger brother A.J. was called to serve in the Nuku'alofa, Tonga mission and on August 13th he finally left for the Missionary Training Center (MTC) in Provo, Utah.

It was definitely an emotional day for me and my family. What a great blessing it was to witness him be set apart as a full-time missionary. We couldn't be more proud of him :)
See you in two years, Elder Lolohea!

And speaking of blessings.. In the middle of all the craziness, Rob and I found out that we are expecting.. :)

After having two miscarriages, Rob and I are hoping that this "rainbow pregnancy" will be a successful one. We are SO excited and ready to be parents! Can't wait to meet you, Baby Atiga. :)



"Rainbow Babies are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope. "

I truly believe that this is something we were blessed with through my brother serving a mission for our family. It's crazy how this gospel works, and I'm so grateful for missionary work and the blessings that come from it.

Also, last weekend Robs older brother Muka was finally sealed and married in the Salt Lake City temple to his girlfriend of 8 years....
Miss Cassidi Tatafu.

Mr. & Mrs. Mark Henry Atiga

They started dating around the same time as me and Rob and over the years I have gotten super close to Cass and her sisters. I am so happy for them and so excited for what's in store for them and their marriage.

I also got the chance to attend my first bachelorette party for my girl Cass..

It was definitely a night to remember..

Thank you August, for the memories.

xoxo

-The Atigas



american honey

This month I'm extremely grateful for music.

Ahhhhh yes... Who doesn't love music, right?

I listen to all types of music.. if you were to listen to my ipod on shuffle you'd probably think I was the biggest weirdo. lol. My husband likes to make fun of me because I can remember the entire lyrics to a song that came out in junior high, but I can't ever remember things he told me last week. haha.

I just love music.... :)

But the best thing about music are the memories that stick with it...

 

When I attended school in Missouri, along with the bad memories I had plenty of great ones... and this song just brought back the times that I had almost forgotten about.

 

It's amazing what one song can do.

 

So tonight, this song will be on repeat.

 

have a good one, bloggers.