Quote of the day

.....something to remember. 

This Too Shall Pass

EVERYTHING that happens throughout your lifetime, happens for a reason. And even though nobody said that it would be easy or hard, you have to be strong in every little thing you come across. For me and my husband, this was the hardest thing we have ever came across and had to go through as a couple...

Earlier this week, Rob and I had gone in for our first doctors appointment.. most of which was just filling out papers and answering lots of questions. After the papers were done, the doctor had also wanted to see if we could find the baby's heartbeat, so she directed us into a private room.  As I lay there on my back while the doctor moved the Doppler around my belly searching for the heartbeat.... Rob and I couldn't help but look at each other and be filled with excitement knowing that this was the first time we were about to hear our baby's heartbeat! - But after a few minutes of searching with no luck, the doctor had told us that she would be scheduling an ultrasound just to be sure everything was okay. I did feel a little sad and uneasy that we were leaving the appointment without getting to hear the heartbeat, but I had been telling myself over and over again that things were gonna be fine and before I know it, the ultrasound would show baby's heartbeat.
Mid-week, the day of my ultrasound, Rob and I had woken up extra early so we could eat breakfast together before he had to go to class and I go to the ultrasound appointment. Afterwards I took Rob to school like any normal day, kissed my sweet husband goodbye and made my way to the hospital. When I got there, I checked in.... Filled out some more papers.... Waited in the lobby until they called my name... And then was put in a dark room ready to begin the ultrasound. I was so ready to FINALLY get to see my baby on the big screen.................
And then there it was... :)
My eyes lit up and I had the biggest smile on my face..... I saw baby's head, baby's arms, baby's legs........... And just literally couldn't believe I was looking at my little baby inside of me.
...But I can tell something wasn't right... there was no movement whatsoever... nothing..... and the nurse wasn't saying anything to me. She just kept taking pictures of the screen. So that's when I had asked the nurse performing my ultrasound if I was going to get another ultrasound to find out the gender, and that's when she had looked at me...... with tears in her eyes and said very hesitantly the words an expectant mother never wants to hear, "I'm so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your baby doesn't have a heartbeat. Your baby isn't alive." -------------- I froze.... and was completely taken back by what she said- Did she really say what I think she just said? Did my ears really hear what I think they just heard?
I just laid there. Staring at her.
I couldn't find any words to say anything back to her.

I had looked up back at the screen just to double check, and be sure I wasn't dreaming...... then looking back at the nurse it just hit me, and that's when the tears just started rolling down my cheeks...... and I couldn't help but look back at my baby on the screen and feel like my heart had just been shattered into a million pieces on the ground.
I was supposed to be 17 weeks..
 and baby had passed at about 15 weeks.

Walking out of that hospital I was literally crying to the point where tears just kept coming down my cheeks uncontrollably. I got in my car and called my sister Pumpkin........ and that's when I let everything out.
 I sat there in my truck and I cried until my head felt like I was spinning...
 I cried until I felt so sick to my stomach that I threw up...
 I cried until my eyes were too swollen to open it and until I felt like I had no air to breathe...
This was the worst day of my entire life...
No more than an hour after the ultrasound, I was called to see another doctor at a different clinic. Then after that, I was told to go see a different doctor at different clinic, and from that clinic I was sent to the hospital to be put in the ER and be induced for labor- Because I had been so far along, I had to deliver baby the same process as if I were to be delivering a full-term baby.

As soon as I got there it was tests after tests..... After tests..... After tests... Until they had finally given me an epidural and began the process. Of course Rob had already knew at this point and had gotten there just in time for me to get the epidural and receive my first dose of medicine to help speed up my contractions. After that, we just played the waiting game....... and pretty much just waited for me to dilate.
I laid in that hospital bed for what felt like the longest 18 hours of my life, feeling more depressed than I have ever been. It was 18 hours of me breaking down to Rob about how much I felt so broken inside and how much it was hurting me both physically and mentally. I couldn't help but think about how I wasn't supposed to be in the hospital like that for another 5 months....... but after talking it out with plenty of family friends and nurses who were taking care of me, I understood that this was just apart of Gods plan- I felt comforted after my bishop had given me a blessing, but most of all was just so thankful to have my husband there with me right by my side.


On January 24th, at 11:13AM, I finally delivered.
It all came real suddenly and all at once... I tried not to look "down there" because I just wasn't sure if my heart could handle it. And that's when I heard the nurse say, ”Looks like it was a boy..”- and from that moment I looked at Rob and broke down in tears again...
Rob was right next to me holding my hand through it all, he didn't once show any sign of weakness even though I knew this experience was hurting him just as much as it was hurting me. But he was ready to see our baby...
Even though I decided earlier that I didn't want to see anything, I had a change of heart. I didn't want to leave the hospital feeling guilty, so I asked the nurse if she can bring him to my bedside.............. As me and Rob sat there looking at him my pain went away and my heart became full of love. Our little guy was about the size of Robs hand, 6 inches in length and weighed 40 grams with his little tiny hands and his little tiny toes.. :'')
I'm not gonna lie, it hurt more than anyone will know to see him under the circumstances that we were in, but the fact that I knew my son would be waiting for me in the next life and that I would have a second chance at raising him comforted me a lot and made me full of gratitude. My husband Rob, who had been the strongest through ALL of this, kissed my forehead and said,
"It's okay babe.... the Lord took Baby away because he was too perfect for this world that we live in.... we'll see him again one day."

In the passed 3 days, I've literally cried out everything I had in my body. It was the longest emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on in such a short amount of time but we couldn't have gotten through this hard trial if it weren't for the amount of care and support we had from our family, our friends, and the church. And we are both EXTREMELY grateful and appreciative.

Rob and I both know that this is something that'll be in our hearts forever, but through Gods plan we'll be able to be with our ”Little Al” (after my father, Big Al) in the hereafter. For now its just a healing process for us both. Both physically and mentally.
 



We love you so much, son.
More than you will ever know.

Be a good boy in heaven.. mommy and daddy will be with you again soon.

:')

Bump ahead.

Guess what??..

WE'RE PREGNANT!!! :) :) :) 

....after about a month of waiting it out. Rob and I had finally decided to announce our pregnancy. I can't even BEGIN to explain how excited we are for this new journey :) 

So far the pregnancy has been a little rough for me :/ I was having my "morning sickness" at night which kept me awake until 4 or 5 in the morning which left my work days pretty hard to get through. Cravings haven't really been a big thing, but most of the things that I was used to eating before just seem really unappetizing to me now... I guess you could say I've gotten pickier when it comes to food. Lol. 

*shrugs*

Its so crazy how much your body changes in such a short amount of time... I've already developed the dry patches on my face that have made me so insecure and has me refusing to step outside of my house.. Haha. Some days I would feel completely out of it and would just need to lay down while my back pain feels like its getting worse by the day.. And I'm honestly not even that far along. Lol. Now entering my 2nd trimester I've actually been feeling better, not great... Just better. As annoying as this  whole pregnancy journey has been thus far just thinking about my soon-to-be daughter or son has made it completely worth it! :) 

Today we are 13weeks and 3 days with an estimated due date of July 1st, 2013. 

Hopefully next month we'll have a gender for our mystery baby! :) 

What do you guys think? 

BOY or GIRL? ;)

Love,

Robert, Nikki & Baby ❤

My Iva-Diva

SHE'S HERE!!!

Last week my older sister Maile gave birth to a BEAUTFUL baby girl! 

Ivahanoa Vikatolia Rolf

Also known as my little "Iva-Diva" lol. 

When I had recieved the text from my brother in law (her husband) that she was in labor I was SO EXCITED.. I admit, as I sat there and waited for him to send me pictures of my new niece I got a little emotional..... It was definitely one of those moments where I didn't wanna be anywhere else but back in Salt Lake City. I absolutely LOVE it out here in Arkansas, but not being able to be with family through the important parts, like my sister having her baby, is the only downfall. It really does suck MAJOR big ones when I don't have my sisters here to turn to.. And I just couldn't imagine not having them around if I was the one to be having a baby.

[insert ugly cry face]

If only airline tickets were cheaper and I had a kazillion dollars to fly whenever and wherever I wanted..........

But THANK GOODNESS for technology!! I got to see my little niecey on oovoo the day after she was born.... And I'd be lying if I said I didn't fall in love all over again. 

December needs to hurry up because I have a niece in Utah just waiting for her Aunty Nikki to hold her!!!

BABY HUNGRY..

In about 3 days, rob and I will have been married for exactly 7 months... It's crazy to think how fast time just flew by! We've been attending this amazing family ward here in Fayetteville but there's one thing about being in a 'family' ward that can be slightly pressuring..... Babies, EVERYWHERE! Lol. From women who have just found out they were pregnant, women who are already pregnant and/or about to pop, TONS of newborns, lots of toddlers running' around.... its a little hard to NOT think about having a baby of my own. Not to mention almost everyone back home in Utah getting pregnant as well..[insert jealous face here]...

Not only have I thought about it for the past month, I've been checking out the cutest toddler clothes on Pinterest almost every single night and have already picked out some names for our first girl and/or boy.... I even picked names if we had twin boys or twin girls... And I have a name if we somehow have fraternal twins; 1 boy 1 girl..... Yea, can you tell it's been on my mind for awhile now?? Lol.

Rob gets so annoyed when every single time a mother walks by us with her newborn in arms I always (loud) whisper to him, "LOOK AT THE BABY!!!!", with a huge smile on my face.

It does make me sad a little that I see all these mothers at church with their babies but Robs always the one to make me feel better when I'm in my 'babyhungry' moods.. :) Even though we agreed that we're waiting, we've always said that 'whatever happens, happens' and when it's my time to be a mother.. We'll be blessed with a baby of our own.

Just the other day when Rob and I were taking a litte road trip to Fort Smith, I found a picture of my two nieces (my older sister Pumpkins kids) on our iPad photo album..... And just outta the blue, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I don't know if I cried because I missed them and was baby hungry, or if I was baby hungry because I missed them. Does that make sense??? Rob knows that my two nieces were everything to me, and being in two different states were already a little rough as it is. So when they moved to Australia, it was a little harder to deal with. Probably because Australia is just so far to me........ But if I could, I'd visit them everyday :) I miss them sooooo much!

My sister Maile, my sister-in-law Sweets and Robs cousin Leta are all pregnant with their first babys and I'm so excited to see these new family additions when they come out! Lol. My time will come :) Who knows when......... But it will :) Until then I'm just gonna enjoy the babies I'll have around me. :)

<3 Nik

A little break..

This past week was Robs spring break and since we couldn't afford to fly anywhere we spent our Spring Break exploring Arkansas and just having some quality time to ourselves. Unfortunately up until Wednesday it was raining like crazy down here (which I didnt mind, but Rob was very mad lol) so we just stayed in our apartment and watched movies or just had some friends over and played games. I also got really sick last week Saturday and was literally on bed rest for about 3 days :( and NO, not pregnant sick. Lol. I had a huge sinus infection... So sorry guys, no baby post yet ;) Lol.

Thursday the skies finally cleared and we decided to head to Springdale (the next town over) to play some volleyball at a rec center........ But as lame as I am, I got there and decided to just sit out because I didn't know anyone and the court was always packed. Lol. And Friday morning Rob and I headed to Fort Smith (a city about 45minutes away) to spend the night with my friend Jess and her fiancé at his apartment. Jess made dinner, I made dessert, and decided to take a drive to a casino in Oklahoma because my husband was just itching to learn how to gamble.... Annoying, I know. Lol. Fort Smith is like 20 minutes away from the Oklahoma border.... So we didnt really have to drive far. But we honestly got there and had no idea what we were doing so we left and decided to end our night off bowling! :) LOL

It may not have been your idea of an awesome Spring Break, but it was good enough for me :) I got to spend some quality time with my husband and also have some time to myself...... Good company and good food is all I need to have a good time :)

Now, we're saving up to (hopefully) go on our summer trip to our most favorite place!

......Salt Lake City, Utah to visit our loves! <3

Share time.

My husband read this story on Facebook and showed it to me tonight.... I couldn't help but share it because I felt it was such a neat story about a conversation between a guy and God.

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won't get mad?

God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

Even though our lives may seem extremely crappy at one point, there's always an even better reason for it happening. Sometimes we get so caught up on focusing on the negative things that we forget that everything happens for a reason and it's all just apart of Gods plan to help us.

No matter how low things may seem in your life, always remember to have faith in our Lord :)

-Nik<3