Thinking of you..

I wrote a letter to my son today... 

But I don't think I'm ready to share it with the blogging world just yet.

This isn't a pity post and I'm not fishing for any sympathy... 

It's just that at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed, I can't help but wonder about how different my life would be if he were here.

He would've been 3 months old today.... 

And I'm sure I would've been that mom that keeps him all to herself and doesn't let anyone (unless it's Rob, my mothers or my sisters) hold him or take care of him. Lol..

And who would he have looked like?

Robs convinced that he would've had my "Lolohea nose", and I def think he would've had Robs "Mataele eyebrows" lol.. But no doubt, I know he would've been a momma's boy for sure.

As much as I would absolutely love to have him in my arms right now, showering him with kisses and squeezing him tightly...... I think about how extremely hard it would've been for Rob and I  to take care of a baby at this point in our lives. 

Mentally??.... We were ready.. and still are ready.

But financially????... We would've really struggled. 

....and with living in a different state without our family around to help us out...... It would've made things even more harder. 

It's sad to say, but I don't know how we would've made it work.

The Lord works in mysterious ways... And though I was at that point where I was asking myself, "Why me?" .... I'm understanding why certain things happen the way they do.

It sucks.

But I get it.

And even 9 months later...

 I still feel like there's a small hole in my heart. 

But I know that it's a void only my future babies will be able to fill. :)

Rob and I have been trying too... 

But again, we're just letting nature take it's course..

Holy heck, I just realized that I've talked about babies these past few posts.. 

Talk about baby fever haha

I better tone it down a notch. 

Anyways, this was all just on my mind.. Nothing extreme... 

Good night bloggers!

Xoxo