faith

This past Friday (the 24th) marked our one year since we lost our baby boy...... and not a day goes by that I don't think about him and everything that happened that day.

It's almost like I could replay every little detail in my head if I wanted to.

Some people think it's weird that I would want to remember one of the worst days of my entire life, but it's one of those things where you would only understand if you went through it yourself.

Only YOU know what YOU'RE going through.

..and however you choose to deal with these situations is up to you and no one else.
At lease that's what I think.

Anyways, I'm posting on this subject to inform those of you who don't know, that I recently had another miscarriage.

I was supposed to be only 9 weeks, but I wasn't yet for sure because I was two weeks shy from my first pregnancy appointment with my midwife.

I'm not going to go into detail with what happened, but I will say that when I woke up that morning with heavy bleeding, I already knew what was happening to me......

I just didn't want to believe it.

*I'm stopping right here to let my readers know that again, I'm not looking for sympathy. It just makes me feel better when I can put my thoughts down into a blog.*

My husband and I were SO happy when we found out we were pregnant again... and I had such a great feeling that everything was going to be okay and that never in a million years would something like this happen to me twice.

But it did.

It took about 4-5 days for everything to happen..... and I'm currently still recovering. I had the option of whether or not I wanted to let it happen naturally or if I wanted to be admitted for surgery, and I decided that I wanted to let it happen the way that it's supposed to happen; naturally. And in the comfort of my own home. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck in a hospital bed.
It was a rough couple of days. But I accepted what was going on and before I knew it, it was over.

In all honesty, a thought passed through my mind as to why I felt like God was punishing me.

What did I do that was so wrong that made Him take away two of what were supposed to be my biggest blessings???

I hated him.

I hated him so much and I felt like he just wanted to see me suffer.

I cried to my dad and told him how torn I was that this was happening to me....... and he quickly brought up how important it is to continue to have faith in the Lord and His timing.

He prayed for me.

My siblings prayed for me.

My husband prayed for me.

My friends prayed for me.

....and all that was left was for me to pray for myself.
So I got down on my knees, and asked the Lord for comfort and strength.

 . 

This sounds cliché, but the quote, "If life gets too hard to stand, kneel.", pretty much sums it all up.
It's amazing what a simple prayer can do.
I was so angry at myself for letting those nasty thoughts get the best of me and making me think that all hope was lost.

 Never again will I let those ignorant thoughts ruin the relationship that I have with my Heavenly Father.

And for all I know, He could be preparing me for something better in the future :)

But don't get me wrong, my heart has been so heavy because of this. But I have to constantly remind myself that this is something I can't dwell on or the rest of my life will be lived unhappily.

I firmly believe that my family's prayers are the reason why the majority of my pain has been lifted..... and for that I am grateful.

I know everything will turn out how it's supposed to in the end.
I just have to be patient and trust in my father in heaven.

Thank you to everyone who helped me and is still helping me recover.

Rob and I are so glad we have wonderful people like you in our lives to keep us strong in our weakest moments.
We love you all.

xoxo,
The Atigas