EVERYTHING that happens throughout your lifetime, happens for a reason. And even though nobody said that it would be easy or hard, you have to be strong in every little thing you come across. For me and my husband, this was the hardest thing we have ever came across and had to go through as a couple...
Earlier this week, Rob and I had gone in for our first doctors appointment.. most of which was just filling out papers and answering lots of questions. After the papers were done, the doctor had also wanted to see if we could find the baby's heartbeat, so she directed us into a private room. As I lay there on my back while the doctor moved the Doppler around my belly searching for the heartbeat.... Rob and I couldn't help but look at each other and be filled with excitement knowing that this was the first time we were about to hear our baby's heartbeat! - But after a few minutes of searching with no luck, the doctor had told us that she would be scheduling an ultrasound just to be sure everything was okay. I did feel a little sad and uneasy that we were leaving the appointment without getting to hear the heartbeat, but I had been telling myself over and over again that things were gonna be fine and before I know it, the ultrasound would show baby's heartbeat.
Mid-week, the day of my ultrasound, Rob and I had woken up extra early so we could eat breakfast together before he had to go to class and I go to the ultrasound appointment. Afterwards I took Rob to school like any normal day, kissed my sweet husband goodbye and made my way to the hospital. When I got there, I checked in.... Filled out some more papers.... Waited in the lobby until they called my name... And then was put in a dark room ready to begin the ultrasound. I was so ready to FINALLY get to see my baby on the big screen.................
And then there it was... :)
My eyes lit up and I had the biggest smile on my face..... I saw baby's head, baby's arms, baby's legs........... And just literally couldn't believe I was looking at my little baby inside of me.
...But I can tell something wasn't right... there was no movement whatsoever... nothing..... and the nurse wasn't saying anything to me. She just kept taking pictures of the screen. So that's when I had asked the nurse performing my ultrasound if I was going to get another ultrasound to find out the gender, and that's when she had looked at me...... with tears in her eyes and said very hesitantly the words an expectant mother never wants to hear, "I'm so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your baby doesn't have a heartbeat. Your baby isn't alive." -------------- I froze.... and was completely taken back by what she said- Did she really say what I think she just said? Did my ears really hear what I think they just heard?
I just laid there. Staring at her.
I couldn't find any words to say anything back to her.
I had looked up back at the screen just to double check, and be sure I wasn't dreaming...... then looking back at the nurse it just hit me, and that's when the tears just started rolling down my cheeks...... and I couldn't help but look back at my baby on the screen and feel like my heart had just been shattered into a million pieces on the ground.
I was supposed to be 17 weeks..
and baby had passed at about 15 weeks.
Walking out of that hospital I was literally crying to the point where tears just kept coming down my cheeks uncontrollably. I got in my car and called my sister Pumpkin........ and that's when I let everything out.
I sat there in my truck and I
cried until my head felt like I was spinning...
I
cried until I felt so sick to my stomach that I threw up...
I
cried until my eyes were too swollen to open it and until I felt like I had no air to breathe...
This was the worst day of my
entire life...
No more than an hour after the ultrasound, I was called to see another doctor at a different clinic. Then after that, I was told to go see a different doctor at different clinic, and from that clinic I was sent to the hospital to be put in the ER and be induced for labor- Because I had been so far along, I had to deliver baby the same process as if I were to be delivering a full-term baby.
As soon as I got there it was tests after tests..... After tests..... After tests... Until they had
finally given me an epidural and began the process. Of course Rob had already knew at this point and had gotten there just in time for me to get the epidural and receive my first dose of medicine to help speed up my contractions. After that, we just played the waiting game....... and pretty much just waited for me to dilate.
I laid in that hospital bed for what felt like the longest 18 hours of my life, feeling more depressed than I have ever been. It was 18 hours of me breaking down to Rob about how much I felt so broken inside and how much it was hurting me both physically and mentally. I couldn't help but think about how I wasn't supposed to be in the hospital like that for another 5 months....... but after talking it out with plenty of family friends and nurses who were taking care of me, I understood that this was just apart of Gods plan- I felt comforted after my bishop had given me a blessing, but most of all was just so thankful to have my husband there with me
right by my side.
On
January 24th, at
11:13AM, I finally delivered.
It all came real suddenly and all at once... I tried not to look "down there" because I just wasn't sure if my heart could handle it. And that's when I heard the nurse say, ”Looks like it was a boy..”- and from that moment I looked at Rob and broke down in tears again...
Rob was right next to me holding my hand through it all, he didn't once show any sign of weakness even though I knew this experience was hurting him just as much as it was hurting me. But he was ready to see our baby...
Even though I decided earlier that I didn't want to see anything, I had a change of heart. I didn't want to leave the hospital feeling guilty, so I asked the nurse if she can bring him to my bedside.............. As me and Rob sat there looking at him my pain went away and my heart became full of
love. Our little guy was about the size of Robs hand, 6 inches in length and weighed 40 grams with his little tiny hands and his little tiny toes.. :'')
I'm not gonna lie, it hurt more than anyone will know to see him under the circumstances that we were in, but the fact that I knew my son would be waiting for me in the next life and that I would have a second chance at raising him comforted me a lot and made me full of gratitude. My husband Rob, who had been the strongest through
ALL of this, kissed my forehead and said,
"It's okay babe.... the Lord took Baby away because he was too perfect for this world that we live in.... we'll see him again one day."
In the passed 3 days, I've literally cried out
everything I had in my body. It was the longest emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on in such a short amount of time but we couldn't have gotten through this hard trial if it weren't for the amount of care and support we had from our family, our friends, and the church. And we are both EXTREMELY grateful and appreciative.
Rob and I both know that this is something that'll be in our hearts forever, but through Gods plan we'll be able to be with our ”Little Al” (after my father, Big Al) in the hereafter. For now its just a healing process for us both.
Both physically and mentally.
We love you so much, son.
More than you will ever know.
Be a good boy in heaven.. mommy and daddy will be with you again soon.
