Pray, He is there..

I think the hardest part about blogging is starting it... I'm pretty sure that I must've re-typed the beginning of this blog over 20 times before I decided that I'm just going to type whatever's on my mind and leave it how it is... so here it is...

This past Sunday I had an experience that I've been wanting to blog about.. it's been on my mind since then and I've just been kind've amazed since it happened... 

-To shorten the story a little bit, before I had found out that I miscarried I had gotten into a really bad argument with my husband and said a lot of things that left me with feelings of guilt. Even though my husband forgave me for it, I didn't know why I was still feeling the way I did... like I still had heavy weights on my shoulders.. And as days went by I felt like the guilt then lead to feelings of hate.

I hated everything and everyone.

I was irritable at every little thing my husband would do or say.. and I found myself making up excuses just to add fuel to my fire. And because I was so full of guilt and hate, I became very depressed. It was a side of depression that I never thought I would find myself in... I felt like I was a failure.. I felt so upset and angry at how my life turned out and I was taking it all out on the people who I love. 

Terrible, right? 

..It's like you don't think that it would be that serious but then you find yourself having hateful thoughts towards the people who have done nothing but love you and it just consumes your mind... your actions... everything. I know Satan must've gotten into my head somehow because I was feeling a lot of things I never thought I would feel.. and anyone who really knows me, knows that I'm far from being a negative person and that guilt, hate, regret and depression don't fall into my description. But every part of me fell into a dark hole and I felt like I needed someway to pull myself out.

I woke up Sunday morning and decided that I didn't want to go to church because of how I felt.. and seeing/talking to people was just something I didn't feel like doing because I was just depressed and wanted to be left alone.. So my husband went without me. 

While he was gone I broke down in my room and sat alone on my bed literally bawling my eyes out.... and that's when I got down on my knees and poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father asking him to forgive me.
I told Him that I was sorry for the way I've been...
and asked him to forgive me for all the hateful thoughts/feelings that I had..
I asked Him to forgive me for what I had said to my husband in our argument that left me with guilt and regret.
I asked Him to forgive me for being blind to my own selfish actions, and to please help me to understand and see the wrong that's overcome my mind so that I can make it right...
And I asked him to please fill my heart with happiness and love and to help me find strength to truly understand His plan for me so that I can no longer live in my past.

 ----I know that people say it all the time to pray because He is listening... but on Sunday I honestly felt like he was right beside me with His arms wrapped around me as I was on my knees weeping & praying to Him. I can't even explain the feeling I felt at that moment other than I literally had a change of heart. 

I felt genuine peace in my heart. 

.....and it was like everything that I was feeling earlier that week just magically disappeared and I was myself again. I felt His presence and it was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt in my life. Just to have that feeling of confirmation that He was there and He was listening to me, made me so grateful.

Before that day I never really truly understood the power of prayer... and since then I've just been so amazed at how different my days have been. Later that night I e-mailed my little brother who is serving his mission in Nuku'alofa, Tonga.. I shared with him my experience and told him about how I was feeling and here's part of his reply: 

"You can look at all your troubles now Nikki in a way of sorrow, hate, depression and feeling sorry for yourself because you feel hopeless, you cant help yourself, or anybody. So you start to have feelings of Satan. But I want you to look at everything in a way that Jesus did.  When he suffered for you, Robert and your kids while in the Garden, do you think he suffered so that you can feel like that?"

This stuck with me.. because he's right. He also reminded me  that Satan wants me to think that I'm fighting all my trials alone when really I have Heavenly Father to help me fight my battles:

"We already know who He wants us to be, in the BoM, the vision for everybody, is to 'inherit the things of The Father'. Everything he has, he wants to give to us, but the way to get it, is His way.  Trust in Him Nikki, turn to him in everything, and NEVER FACE ADVERSITY ALONE, for Jesus is there, and has done it all for us, in The Garden. "

I don't think anyone could ever really understand how this whole thing has changed my perspective on things and how it's made me feel.

I'm so grateful for my family, for the gospel, and for my Heavenly Father who continues to bless me and my family. 

feelings

I feel like I only really blog when I have a million things running through my mind to the point where I need to blog it out or I'm gonna fall apart. It's been two weeks since I lost my son.. and for the most part I've been okay..

But today.... I'm not okay.

Last night I had a dream that for a glimpse second I was holding my son again... in my arms..... where he is supposed to be..... and for that moment everything felt so perfect..

But then I woke up to empty arms and my eyes filled with tears and my world suddenly fell apart again.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I mean I know I'm not perfect..... but my son was...

I mean, was it something I said? Was it something I did? Was there something I didn't do, but should've? I just don't understand why these things happen to me. I mean, I do understand.. but then I don't...

About a week and a half before I went in for my check-up appointment I noticed that my son had stopped moving. I went from constantly feeling his kicks and turns to not feeling anything at all.. a part of me wanted to believe that he was still okay.... but the other part already knew that something wasn't right.

It was one of those things where my mind already knew that my son was gone, but my heart didn't want to accept it.

Walking into my appointment I told myself over and over again that he was okay.. literally coming up with every excuse I could think of to keep myself from falling apart. But the only thing that came to mind was back to the day that I lost my first son in 2013....

..and then it was confirmed... 31 weeks pregnant while laying in the ultrasound room I was told that my son no longer had a heartbeat.. and my heart broke... for the third time..

You think it'd be easier. But it's not.

It's harder. A lot harder.

As I held my son in my arms.. all I thought of was how perfect and handsome he was.. and at that moment he became the love of my life.

It was beautiful and devastating at the same time.

A bittersweet moment that I'll cherish forever.

People keep telling me that I'm strong... but the truth is that even though I look like I am.. I definitely don't feel like I am..

Physically? I'm getting better and better everyday. But mentally? I'm an emotional rollercoaster.

How can you ever fully recover from losing your child? And my answer is that you can't. Two years later and I still have my bad days where I'm too depressed to leave my room... too depressed to eat... too depressed to see/talk to anyone.. but then there are my good days where I'm perfectly fine and excited and ready to take on the new day.

I still don't feel complete..

and that's in all honesty.

But thinking about all the amazing people {friends&family} that we're surrounded by has made me realize why I'm alive after everything and I appreciate them for that.

My husband....... has been the best supporter. I seriously don't know how I would've gotten through everything if it weren't for him. We both lost a son. But somehow he still seems to keep it altogether and keep me smiling and happy on the days where I do feel like I'm at my lowest.

I love him. Always have and always will.

I know that God has a plan for each of us and I'm praying that somewhere in His plan for me, my husband and I will be able to be parents here in the physical world.

Dear Joseph,

I missed you today.

A lot more than I usually do.

I love you.

-Mom 

my aloha baby

On February 11th, 2015.. I delivered my sweet still-born son into this world..

His name is Joseph Aloha Komakou Anela Mailani Atiga.

Born too perfect for this world.

Dear Joseph,

You left too soon.

I wish you would've stayed with me here on earth... and it broke my heart to have to say good-bye to you. But I understand that God needed you back in heaven.

I loved getting to hold you in my arms.. I didn't want to let you go.. I kept telling myself that this was all just a bad dream that I needed to wake up from.

You were so perfect in my eyes.

Even though the time we got to spend with you was short, we were SO grateful that we were able to hold you close and shower you with our kisses before letting you go.

I know you and your brother are in good hands.. but please look out for each other..

We love you so much, my sweet aloha baby.

Forever and Always.

xoxo

August

There are so many things to be grateful for, and August was a month that reminded me just how lucky I am to be surrounded by the ones who I love most.

My younger brother A.J. was called to serve in the Nuku'alofa, Tonga mission and on August 13th he finally left for the Missionary Training Center (MTC) in Provo, Utah.

It was definitely an emotional day for me and my family. What a great blessing it was to witness him be set apart as a full-time missionary. We couldn't be more proud of him :)
See you in two years, Elder Lolohea!

And speaking of blessings.. In the middle of all the craziness, Rob and I found out that we are expecting.. :)

After having two miscarriages, Rob and I are hoping that this "rainbow pregnancy" will be a successful one. We are SO excited and ready to be parents! Can't wait to meet you, Baby Atiga. :)



"Rainbow Babies are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope. "

I truly believe that this is something we were blessed with through my brother serving a mission for our family. It's crazy how this gospel works, and I'm so grateful for missionary work and the blessings that come from it.

Also, last weekend Robs older brother Muka was finally sealed and married in the Salt Lake City temple to his girlfriend of 8 years....
Miss Cassidi Tatafu.

Mr. & Mrs. Mark Henry Atiga

They started dating around the same time as me and Rob and over the years I have gotten super close to Cass and her sisters. I am so happy for them and so excited for what's in store for them and their marriage.

I also got the chance to attend my first bachelorette party for my girl Cass..

It was definitely a night to remember..

Thank you August, for the memories.

xoxo

-The Atigas



american honey

This month I'm extremely grateful for music.

Ahhhhh yes... Who doesn't love music, right?

I listen to all types of music.. if you were to listen to my ipod on shuffle you'd probably think I was the biggest weirdo. lol. My husband likes to make fun of me because I can remember the entire lyrics to a song that came out in junior high, but I can't ever remember things he told me last week. haha.

I just love music.... :)

But the best thing about music are the memories that stick with it...

 

When I attended school in Missouri, along with the bad memories I had plenty of great ones... and this song just brought back the times that I had almost forgotten about.

 

It's amazing what one song can do.

 

So tonight, this song will be on repeat.

 

have a good one, bloggers.

 

 

faith

This past Friday (the 24th) marked our one year since we lost our baby boy...... and not a day goes by that I don't think about him and everything that happened that day.

It's almost like I could replay every little detail in my head if I wanted to.

Some people think it's weird that I would want to remember one of the worst days of my entire life, but it's one of those things where you would only understand if you went through it yourself.

Only YOU know what YOU'RE going through.

..and however you choose to deal with these situations is up to you and no one else.
At lease that's what I think.

Anyways, I'm posting on this subject to inform those of you who don't know, that I recently had another miscarriage.

I was supposed to be only 9 weeks, but I wasn't yet for sure because I was two weeks shy from my first pregnancy appointment with my midwife.

I'm not going to go into detail with what happened, but I will say that when I woke up that morning with heavy bleeding, I already knew what was happening to me......

I just didn't want to believe it.

*I'm stopping right here to let my readers know that again, I'm not looking for sympathy. It just makes me feel better when I can put my thoughts down into a blog.*

My husband and I were SO happy when we found out we were pregnant again... and I had such a great feeling that everything was going to be okay and that never in a million years would something like this happen to me twice.

But it did.

It took about 4-5 days for everything to happen..... and I'm currently still recovering. I had the option of whether or not I wanted to let it happen naturally or if I wanted to be admitted for surgery, and I decided that I wanted to let it happen the way that it's supposed to happen; naturally. And in the comfort of my own home. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck in a hospital bed.
It was a rough couple of days. But I accepted what was going on and before I knew it, it was over.

In all honesty, a thought passed through my mind as to why I felt like God was punishing me.

What did I do that was so wrong that made Him take away two of what were supposed to be my biggest blessings???

I hated him.

I hated him so much and I felt like he just wanted to see me suffer.

I cried to my dad and told him how torn I was that this was happening to me....... and he quickly brought up how important it is to continue to have faith in the Lord and His timing.

He prayed for me.

My siblings prayed for me.

My husband prayed for me.

My friends prayed for me.

....and all that was left was for me to pray for myself.
So I got down on my knees, and asked the Lord for comfort and strength.

 . 

This sounds cliché, but the quote, "If life gets too hard to stand, kneel.", pretty much sums it all up.
It's amazing what a simple prayer can do.
I was so angry at myself for letting those nasty thoughts get the best of me and making me think that all hope was lost.

 Never again will I let those ignorant thoughts ruin the relationship that I have with my Heavenly Father.

And for all I know, He could be preparing me for something better in the future :)

But don't get me wrong, my heart has been so heavy because of this. But I have to constantly remind myself that this is something I can't dwell on or the rest of my life will be lived unhappily.

I firmly believe that my family's prayers are the reason why the majority of my pain has been lifted..... and for that I am grateful.

I know everything will turn out how it's supposed to in the end.
I just have to be patient and trust in my father in heaven.

Thank you to everyone who helped me and is still helping me recover.

Rob and I are so glad we have wonderful people like you in our lives to keep us strong in our weakest moments.
We love you all.

xoxo,
The Atigas

a christmas story

Since it's Christmas Eve I thought I'd share a Christmas memory of mine..

I think I was like 7 or 8 when this happened.. but one Christmas Eve morning when I was still sleeping, my dad kicked open my door so hard it woke me up and he screamed, "Someone stole all our presents from under our Christmas tree!".. I remember being like, "WHAAAT?!!" and rushing to our living room as fast as I can to see if he was being for real......... and he was. There was NOTHING under our tree. And just the day before our tree was buried with presents!

My dad told us that someone robbed us while we were sleeping and that he was going to hire a private investigator to find out who it was.. (lol) I'm pretty sure my siblings and I sat there in the living room crying ugly for a good half hour. haha

We were SO sad the entire day. But before we went to bed that night my dad sat all of us down and explained to us that we can still have a good Christmas without any presents.... that Christmas is about being with family and enjoying the holidays with them. At first we thought he was crazy (lol), and even though we would've much rather had our presents to open up on Christmas morning, it was at that point where we figured we were never gonna get our presents back so we might as well enjoy the holidays with each other's company. We were so bummed! but there were plenty of other Christmas' that we could look forward to.

Christmas morning we all woke up to all of our presents back under our tree! I didn't notice at first but now I realize that taking our presents was just my dads way of teaching us to have some humility. That sneaky guy! ha.

..so this christmas, there'll be no presents under mine and Rob's tree, but to be able to be home with my family & friends is enough for us.

merry christmas, bloggers! from my family to yours.

- the atigas