Dear Dad...

Dear Dad,

Today was really hard for me. 

It's passed midnight and I've probably sat here watching & replaying old videos of you while tears of sadness just continuously flow down my cheeks.

I miss you so much it hurts.

 I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you're really gone..
(physically, I mean)
You left so suddenly and it still feels like I can drive home and see you sitting outside watering the grass or fixing something in the garage.
..or even see you upstairs paying the bills in the same spot you always sit in at the kitchen table...

I really think that I'm just refusing to believe the fact that those are now just memories of you.

..it seems like just yesterday we were sitting at the kitchen table having a heart-to-heart over your famous chicken soup that you claimed to be the "healthiest soup" because you threw whatever you could find in the fridge in there (even if it was expired haha)
You always shared your food with me, even when there was only enough for one person.. and you never got mad at me when I would end up eating it all by myself.
You were just the best, Dad.

Days seem to drag since your burial...
Your service was nothing short of beautiful and there were so many people there. I think it's safe to say that you were loved by countless individuals.

Us kids all got up to speak and I had so many memories that I wanted to share with everyone..

...like when I used to call your phone and leave voicemails of me singing the star spangled banner and when I had my friends over you would offer to play it for them until I cried and begged you not to.
I almost peed my pants that day.

...or when you would get angry with me and I would write you letters telling you that I'm gonna run away because you don't love me anymore and then leave it on your bed so you would see it when you got home from work (dramatic much? haha)

..do you remember when I told you that I wanted a nose ring? And you walked allllllllll the way over to me from the couch in your room to slap me on the back of my head.
I think I was like in 5th grade when I said that? haha

..oh but let's not forget the summer time when you would blast your ABBA music outside on Saturday mornings while washing your mustang.. I think that's why I know 90% of the songs word-for-word.
Mama Mia will always remind me of you :)

..I even remember when I was younger and never went to bed until I got my "goodnight uma" from you. You would kiss my forehead then I would kiss yours... and I always went to bed knowing that you would keep me safe and away from the monsters.
Everyone was intimidated by you, but your daughters knew the softer side of you.
You were our big teddy bear. But the kind of teddy bear that would whoop on anyone when it came to your kids. haha.

As the days pass and I start feeling like I'm doing alright with you not being here, I look at your photos and I can't help but breakdown over and over... and over and over again..

They really ain't lying when they say that grief comes in waves.

Yesterday I was okay, but today I feel like I'm drowning.

I went home the other day to pick up a few things.
No one was home and the house felt so empty without you there.
The living room is filled with flowers just for you, Dad :)

 I went downstairs and sat in your room crying my eyes out while staring at all the pictures you had of us kids beside your bed...
I even took a few of your belongings with me just so I knew that they'll be kept safe with me at my house. 

I hope that's okay with you.

Some of your jackets and shirts still have your smell on them... and I wear them when I hold my son so that he can at least have that memory of your scent.

I hate to admit, but it's just not the same anymore.. and I don't think or know how it could ever be like that again without you around to take care of everything.
I keep telling Rob that growing up, I never had to worry about anything because you always had it covered.
The true definition of our family's backbone.

When Maile FaceTime'd me while she was beside you at the hospital, I saw it in her eyes that things didn't look good. I hadn't seen you yet, but I could tell that I needed to be there soon to see you and say good-bye.

The day that you had gone into the hospital was the day I had your only grandson, Noa.

It's funny because I wasn't scheduled for a c-section until later that evening, but the doc had came in saying that a spot had suddenly opened up and that we would be going into the operation room within the hour. 

When I look back and think about it, I think God purposely had that happen so that you would be able to see him before going into surgery.

Everyone says he looks like Rob, but there are other times when I look at him and see your face.

Sometimes when he laughs or smiles while he's sleeping, I like to think that it's you visiting him in his dreams and playing with him.

He would've loved you, Dad.

Because no one was as great of a "papa" as you..

says your best friend 'Ivahanoa. ha.

She misses you the most and still says that you're her best friend even though she knows you're in heaven now.

I'm sure it's beautiful up there and full of nothing but pure happiness and joy.
Did you see my boys?
They must be ecstatic that their papa is there to play with them.
I know I am.

It breaks my heart to know that I won't be seeing you in your room watching the news or ESPN like you always were..

..and I won't ever get to sit with you at church in the front row anymore..

...and I won't ever see you playing tennis at the tennis courts..
That's where we always knew where to find you.
If you weren't at home or the gym, you were there.
Playing tennis from dusk till dawn.

Remember when I had my first miscarriage? And I called you to tell you that I named him after you?
My Little Al.
 You paused, and I know that you were crying.. but you didn't want me to hear you.

And with my 2nd miscarriage, when I went downstairs and woke you up, while crying, asking you to please give me a blessing because I knew that I lost my baby.. 

And you did. With no hesitation.
And I can still feel your hand on my shoulder and your voice in my head telling me, "It's okay Nikki, you're gonna be okay"

You were always there for me, Dad.

Always.

I'm learning to deal with your passing, but for now I just want to mourn.
You were everything to me.
My provider.
My counselor.
My hero.
My security blanket.
My comforter.
and now you're my guardian angel.

I just want you to know that even though I'm hurting in the now because you are not around. I know and understand that everything happens for a reason and I will see you again one day.
And when that day comes and I'm able to see your handsome smile again..
it will most definitely be in pure and everlasting joy.

I love you, Dad.
With ALL of me.

Forever & Always,
Your "baby daughter"

my noa boy

...and here he is :)

tanginoa tuku'aho atiga

born 7lbs 2oz

at 2:29pm

on december 16th, 2016

welcome to this crazy world, my son.

you are so perfect.

Never knew a love like this...

my heart is full.

update coming soon.... :)

...almost there...

Tomorrow I will officially be 32 weeks pregnant, making this the furthest that I've ever been with any of my pregnancies. So I figured it only makes sense to do a bump selfie in bed :P

Today we had our check-up ultrasound and baby boy is right on track with his growth. He wouldn't stop moving for the nurse which made it a little hard for them to get measurements [I guess I shouldn't have drank that orange juice beforehand lol] but she was able to get some quick shots in and we are SO happy that all is well with our little wiggle worm.

I can definitely feel him growing in there and it's like every day I wake up and can tell that he's heavier than before. Which is such a great feeling for me..... but not my bladder.

Also, I feel like i'm officially at the "waddle" stage and it's now taking me twice as long to get on and off my bed and in and out of my car. Not to mention that my back will start hurting within the first 10 minutes of walking... oh, and did i mention that I feel like I need an oxygen tank with me everywhere I go? Talk about WINDED. haha. But I guess these are all the joys of pregnancy. And as much as I would love to be able to sleep through the night and eat without wanting to rip my throat out from acid reflux and heartburn....... I know that all that will be worth it when I get to see my sweet sons face. December is just around the corner and 

I. CAN'T. WAIT.

On to even bigger news.....

My husband and I will be moving into our first home in 3 weeks! Yes, the Atiga's will be residents of West Jordan, Utah come the 2nd week of November :) :) :) :)

I am SO excited and happy that we'll be able to settle in our home before our baby's arrival.

We have been looking for a home since August and after looking at tons of houses without finding "thee one" it was getting to the point where we almost thought that we were never going to get into a house that we love. Then one day a home got listed and my husband and I scheduled a viewing right away..... they really don't lie when they say that if you're house hunting and see a home that you like, jump on it because it could go under contract that same day.. so we did. And as soon as we walked in, we knew it was our home. We felt it and it felt right, so we placed an offer. The home was listed at the top of our price range, and even though we were unable to offer higher than was listed we came home that night and prayed to Heavenly Father that if this was meant to be our home, then we would know and things will work out the way it should. Our realtor even had me write a personalized letter to the homeowners which we sent in together with our offer and later that night our realtor texted and said that our offer was ACCEPTED! :)

As soon as my husband showed me the text, I looked at him with my big ol' eyeballs and starting crying haha. My mom and dad were in the room too and they were hugging us and congratulating us.

So aside from work, planning my baby shower and making sure things are good before leaving on my maternity leave..... I am also getting ready for the big move and our little guy's arrival.

It's been CRAAAAAZY hectic lately and I feel like i've been a crazy woman trying to get all of the above done in time for the holidays. But I'll save all that prepping venting for another post :P

Until next time,

nik <3 p="">

peace and blessings

It's just about time for bed and here I am, blogging and 21 weeks pregnant. (wait what?) yes, you read right. Rob and I are MORE than happy to announce that we are expecting yet another baby boy.... but most of you already knew that. haha. My dad is convinced that I'm meant to have boys and my sisters call me "the chosen one" because they all have girls. haha. I honestly thought it was gonna be a girl this time around, but I guess that somewhere up in heaven there's a boy that wants me to be his mom.

As you can only imagine, finding out that I was pregnant again not only filled my heart with pure joy... but it also brought feelings of anxiety. Lots and lots of anxiety.

This pregnancy so far has been different in most ways compared to my last. It's actually been great for the most part... And I do understand that every pregnancy is different.... but there's always that part of me that wonders if things will be okay in the end. If this pregnancy will be a successful one... if my baby is still doing okay inside of me..... etc. I know I shouldn't think this way. But after 3 consecutive losses, can you blame me?

Peace was definitely something that I felt like I needed on a daily basis. And lately I've found that through prayer and temple visits. Something I never thought I needed as much growing up and now I feel like it's the only sense of comfort that I have. I may not visit the temple as much as I need to, but I know and feel the happiness and love when I'm inside and it's almost like every worry I ever had/have is gone. Of course I still do have my occasional anxiety episodes, but I really think that I would be a crazy pregnant woman if I didn't have something to help me chill out once in awhile. lol.

Since I am now considered a high risk patient, I have switched doctors and am now seeing a specialist in maternal fetal medicine. It's been so great getting the extra attention that I need and the extra ultrasound appointments to help ease my anxiety as well. Not to mention one of my friends from high school gave me her fetal doppler so that I'm able to listen to my baby's heartbeat on my own time :) I've considered this all to be a blessing. My mind can be my worst enemy at times and it's just nice to have that support.

As I get farther along I've been feeling lots of movement lately and it's become my new favorite thing! Every time I feel a kick or a turn, I feel warmth inside my heart... and it makes me that much more excited for our little guy to be here. How this pregnancy will turn out, only God knows. But whatever the outcome may be, my husband and I are grateful to be chosen again and we are enjoying this journey as much as we can. If it's meant to be, then it will be.. and with time and lots of prayer, we fully understand that now. Not saying that my heart can take anymore heartache, but it's better to have loved and lost... right?

Ok I know I am sounding kind've negative but I promise you I'm not. Lol. I've actually been surprisingly positive throughout this pregnancy. Well..... as positive as I can get. haha. I'm ready. WE are ready. And are just so excited. It's crazy how much you can love someone you've never met ;)

December can't come soon enough :)

p.s I will do my best to keep the blog updated on pregnancy. If not, there's always social media haha

xoxo,

Nik

Our Trip: San Diego 2016

This passed February marked the one year anniversary since we said good-bye to our sweet stillborn son. I knew I'd be a hot mess that whole week so I requested time off from work to just have that time to myself to remember him...... and remember the memories.... and just grieve.......
because I can.

My husband of course didn't want to watch me cry my eyes out for a whole week, so he had brought up the idea to take a trip. Just the two of us.

At first I thought about how that could affect us financially because of how sudden the decision was, but then I realized that it's okay to make spontaneous decisions every once in awhile. So.. we just did it.
We thought about places where we wanted to go, and I knew FOR SURE that I wanted to go somewhere with warmer weather and a beach. (only because I wanted to be able to wear my bikini that I know eeeeeeeeveryone would just LOVE to see me in :P)

We thought about Hawaii... which I really would have loved, but my husband wanted to be extra brand new and go somewhere we've both never been to. I guess around that time Rob's supervisor took a trip out to San Diego and absolutely loved it.... so we decided on that and our plans for a getaway trip was set :)

We booked our cottage and our car rental, and made it into a road trip. [Sidenote: Me and Rob never took a road trip together either.... so I was pretty excited and looking forward to our alone time on the road AND in California]

This was the first time ever that Rob and I were to be taking/planning for a trip with literally just the two of us on our own. I mean, yea we've done plenty of stay-cation trips, but this was gonna be driving to a different state and getting around and doing things with just me and him. For a WHOLE week! Without any distractions or other plans with other people. I was MORE than excited!!!

We left Salt Lake at around 3:30am (yep, bright-eyed and bushy tailed the whole 12 hours it took to get there) and FINALLY arrived around 2pm.

I'm so upset we didn't get any pictures of our one bedroom cottage that we reserved for that week because it was seriously the cutest place! It was behind a 3 bedroom house and was was located right off of Mission Bay. We were also in walking distance of Mission Beach which was the first place I wanted to go to as soon as we got there. Seriously, I did not even get ready or put on make-up or anything.... we pulled up to our cottage, unloaded our bags, changed clothes and headed straight to the beach! Yep. No waste time for me! haha It was a little windy that day, but that wasn't about to stop me from getting my beach time. Even if it was pouring rain, I probably..... no wait.... I WOULD still want to go. haha.

After spending a few hours just admiring the ocean and walking along the boardwalk. We finally went home and instead of going and doing more sight-seeing..... what did we do??! We ordered pizza! hahaha. We were sooooooooo drained from the drive and then heading to the beach right after that we were not in the mood to get up and go out again. So we stayed in and celebrated our safe arrival with a large bbq chicken pizza and bbq wings.... and I may or may not have celebrated a lil too much with 4... or 5 slices. Judge me, I dare you.

Day two.. and we started out our day bright and early. First we went to check out Ocean Beach to kill time before heading to our massage appointment. I was going to see if I could book one of those fancy shmancy ones where we get a massage on the beach under a hut.. You know like in the movies?!..... buuuut..... since I'm not Beyoncé, that didn't happen. haha. jk. No but forreal.. we got our massage at a place called Therapie Day Spa and they were the BOMB DOT COM! -- it was a super tiny place right off the beach and my husband absolutely looooooved it. Afterwards we just went and did more sight seeing and pretty much drove around everywhere. We probably ate Jack N' the Box like 20 times.... not even exaggerating.

The cottage we stayed in had bikes that we were able to use during our stay. So after taking a nap we took a bike ride around Mission Bay and then to Pacific Beach where we got some MORE beach time and then watched the sunset... Can you tell I couldn't get away from the beach?!

There's something about the sunset on the ocean that just takes my breath away and I couldn't get over how beautiful it was. I looked at Rob told him that I'm calling my job and telling them I quit so I can move to San Diego with or without him.. lol.

The vibe there was just so laid back and chill... almost like nobody had any worries. I loved it! It was just such a happy environment. Not that Utah isn't a happy place... but there was something about San Diego that I just loved. It was perfect. I think I'm even more mad at myself that I didn't take that great of pictures so you guys can see how pretty it was.... but I think that even with pictures it would still just be one of those things where you would have to actually see it to believe it.

Rob was dead set on going paragliding while on this trip. But since we were visiting during the "winter" months, most places were closed. We did find one that was open, but there ended up being no wind that day so they weren't flying anyone. BOOO! I even talked myself up to do it after being too scared and then there had to be no wind. [insert two thumbs down] So we ended up going on a little hike that ended us up with a beautiful scenery of the ocean...... again...... which we definitely did NOT take for granted. I loved that we would wake up without any idea of what we were gonna do for that day and just did whatever came to our minds without arguing or with one person wanting to go here and the other wanting to go there. It was nice.

Even though we didn't necessarily have set plans during our trip, visiting and getting to do a session in the San Diego temple was definitely a must for us. We specifically chose the actual day that marked the one year to go because we felt like it was a special day. A day that we needed to feel closer to our Heavenly Father and feel the comfort that the temple brings.

It was beeeaaauuuutiful.

Afterwards we went to eat and then ended up back at Mission Beach. We were next to 3 beaches.... and we probably went to each beach 2

 or 3 times. That was all I wanted to do! I didn't care to do anything else but be a beach bum, eat and relax. And I loved that my husband was completely down to just hangout at the beach with me. The whole time we were there we just kept telling each other that we couldn't believe we were actually together in San Diego on vacation.

What made it even better was that the weather was perfect the whole week that we were there. (Thank you, mother nature!)

Kayaking at Mission Bay

It wasn't long before Rob wanted to go kayaking...... so here we are. haha. I kept pretending to tip the kayak and Rob was getting so mad at me. haha.

Later that night we ended up going on a walk and somehow ended up at some type of night time farmers market. Tons of cool stuff there and we ate the yummiest gyros..

Then we asked a drunk to take this picture for us.... which this would be take 30. Every other picture was blurry. hahaha. smh.

But anyways, time was passing by a lot faster than what we wanted and before we knew it, it was our last night there. :*(

Sadly, I don't have any pictures of our last night. But Rob and I ended up going to downtown for a nice early Valentines Day dinner and dessert. It was definitely the cherry on top to our trip. Time flew by TOO quick and we were so not ready for reality. I just wanted to stay there maybe just for another week or so. lol.

Once we made it back home we were SO sad that our trip was over... but Rob was so in love with San Diego that he said he wanted to make it an annual trip for us... but we'll see lol

This was definitely a trip well worth it and I'm totally looking forward to more trips with this hot man of mine.

Dear San Diego,

Thank you for being so good to my husband and I.

We will definitely be visiting you again soon.

xoxo,

the atigas <3 b="">

time & eternity: our temple sealing

OCTOBER 24th,2015

A day that had always crossed my mind but never thought would actually happen...

my husband and I were sealed for time & eternity in the Salt Lake City temple.

For those of you who know me and my husband, you know that we've definitely come a long way.
As most people would say, being raised in the LDS church we always knew that the teachings were true... we just didn't necessarily live the way that was expected for members of the church.. and for some reason I was content with that.
I settled for less.. and saw nothing wrong with how we were choosing to live our lives.
Now that I think about it, I'm guessing that was satan's doing.. making you think that whatever you're doing behind closed doors is fine because "everyone else is doing it"...

But then devastation and heartache happened... and it led me to think that I must be doing something so wrong that God had to punish me not once, but twice.
I prayed to Him, and He listened.
As a mother, and I'm sure I speak for all mothers when I say, that if I had a child here in the physical world I would do ANYTHING for them. But how can I be a good mom when I have children that aren't here with me in the physical world?

A little while ago, Rob and I were laying in bed and he turns to me and asked me why it feels like we're not getting anywhere with life in general... why it feels like we're just in the same spot and not making any moves to be better? I really didn't know how to answer that other then letting him know that I felt the same way. The next day he got a message from a friend of his that wanted to dedicate a scripture to us...

"And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven." 
D&C 137:10

I strongly believe that this was my answer--- knowing that my children are already safe in the presence of God and in order for me to see them again I must be able to live righteously and worthily here on earth... and I don't know about you guys, but the thought of not being able to be with my kid(s) in the afterlife, in the celestial kingdom, because of the decisions that i've made here... would make me feel like I've failed as a bereaved parent.

So Rob and I decided to take the first step in temple classes.... to help us understand things better and see where we go from there. This being our second attempt, we took temple classes while we were in Arkansas but almost never made it to church and/or didn't fully pay attention to the lessons. Therefore, we ended up not finishing them.
Yes i know, we suck.
But THIS time around was different, and you could definitely feel the difference when you fully open up your heart to the lessons as opposed to sitting there and hearing it but not actually listening to what's being said.... You get me? If you're married you might understand this because my husband is a perfect example of this! lol

But as the lessons continued we just wanted to know more..... more about the temple... more about the blessings... about why it's important to wear garments.. more about why things are the way they are and why we should keep commandments and covenants you make within the temple. I mean always knew that it was important to do so.... but I never really understand WHY until now. And it sounds really bad, but after 23 years I finally feel as though I get it.

I could seriously write a novel about my experience and my thoughts and feelings when going through the temple, but it's honestly something that you have to experience on your own. When YOU really and truly want to and not when you're forced to do it because that's what everyone else wants you to do.
My only advice is to do it when YOU are ready.

By no means do I consider myself perfect in any way, but working towards that has now become my mission. This started out as a something I was doing for my perfect babies in heaven.... but ended up being something much more for myself and my husband as well. Not only has it strengthened our marriage, but it's also helped us draw closer to our Heavenly Father.
 I've noted in my past posts that I felt as though there was a part of me that was missing, and that void has now been filled. And I can honestly say that after going through the temple, the only regret that I had was not doing it sooner.

Oh how forgiving is our Savior..

today.

Today Rob & I got our temple recommends :)

It's been a long time coming....... 

but when it feels right, it's right.