american honey

This month I'm extremely grateful for music.

Ahhhhh yes... Who doesn't love music, right?

I listen to all types of music.. if you were to listen to my ipod on shuffle you'd probably think I was the biggest weirdo. lol. My husband likes to make fun of me because I can remember the entire lyrics to a song that came out in junior high, but I can't ever remember things he told me last week. haha.

I just love music.... :)

But the best thing about music are the memories that stick with it...

 

When I attended school in Missouri, along with the bad memories I had plenty of great ones... and this song just brought back the times that I had almost forgotten about.

 

It's amazing what one song can do.

 

So tonight, this song will be on repeat.

 

have a good one, bloggers.

 

 

faith

This past Friday (the 24th) marked our one year since we lost our baby boy...... and not a day goes by that I don't think about him and everything that happened that day.

It's almost like I could replay every little detail in my head if I wanted to.

Some people think it's weird that I would want to remember one of the worst days of my entire life, but it's one of those things where you would only understand if you went through it yourself.

Only YOU know what YOU'RE going through.

..and however you choose to deal with these situations is up to you and no one else.
At lease that's what I think.

Anyways, I'm posting on this subject to inform those of you who don't know, that I recently had another miscarriage.

I was supposed to be only 9 weeks, but I wasn't yet for sure because I was two weeks shy from my first pregnancy appointment with my midwife.

I'm not going to go into detail with what happened, but I will say that when I woke up that morning with heavy bleeding, I already knew what was happening to me......

I just didn't want to believe it.

*I'm stopping right here to let my readers know that again, I'm not looking for sympathy. It just makes me feel better when I can put my thoughts down into a blog.*

My husband and I were SO happy when we found out we were pregnant again... and I had such a great feeling that everything was going to be okay and that never in a million years would something like this happen to me twice.

But it did.

It took about 4-5 days for everything to happen..... and I'm currently still recovering. I had the option of whether or not I wanted to let it happen naturally or if I wanted to be admitted for surgery, and I decided that I wanted to let it happen the way that it's supposed to happen; naturally. And in the comfort of my own home. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck in a hospital bed.
It was a rough couple of days. But I accepted what was going on and before I knew it, it was over.

In all honesty, a thought passed through my mind as to why I felt like God was punishing me.

What did I do that was so wrong that made Him take away two of what were supposed to be my biggest blessings???

I hated him.

I hated him so much and I felt like he just wanted to see me suffer.

I cried to my dad and told him how torn I was that this was happening to me....... and he quickly brought up how important it is to continue to have faith in the Lord and His timing.

He prayed for me.

My siblings prayed for me.

My husband prayed for me.

My friends prayed for me.

....and all that was left was for me to pray for myself.
So I got down on my knees, and asked the Lord for comfort and strength.

 . 

This sounds cliché, but the quote, "If life gets too hard to stand, kneel.", pretty much sums it all up.
It's amazing what a simple prayer can do.
I was so angry at myself for letting those nasty thoughts get the best of me and making me think that all hope was lost.

 Never again will I let those ignorant thoughts ruin the relationship that I have with my Heavenly Father.

And for all I know, He could be preparing me for something better in the future :)

But don't get me wrong, my heart has been so heavy because of this. But I have to constantly remind myself that this is something I can't dwell on or the rest of my life will be lived unhappily.

I firmly believe that my family's prayers are the reason why the majority of my pain has been lifted..... and for that I am grateful.

I know everything will turn out how it's supposed to in the end.
I just have to be patient and trust in my father in heaven.

Thank you to everyone who helped me and is still helping me recover.

Rob and I are so glad we have wonderful people like you in our lives to keep us strong in our weakest moments.
We love you all.

xoxo,
The Atigas

a christmas story

Since it's Christmas Eve I thought I'd share a Christmas memory of mine..

I think I was like 7 or 8 when this happened.. but one Christmas Eve morning when I was still sleeping, my dad kicked open my door so hard it woke me up and he screamed, "Someone stole all our presents from under our Christmas tree!".. I remember being like, "WHAAAT?!!" and rushing to our living room as fast as I can to see if he was being for real......... and he was. There was NOTHING under our tree. And just the day before our tree was buried with presents!

My dad told us that someone robbed us while we were sleeping and that he was going to hire a private investigator to find out who it was.. (lol) I'm pretty sure my siblings and I sat there in the living room crying ugly for a good half hour. haha

We were SO sad the entire day. But before we went to bed that night my dad sat all of us down and explained to us that we can still have a good Christmas without any presents.... that Christmas is about being with family and enjoying the holidays with them. At first we thought he was crazy (lol), and even though we would've much rather had our presents to open up on Christmas morning, it was at that point where we figured we were never gonna get our presents back so we might as well enjoy the holidays with each other's company. We were so bummed! but there were plenty of other Christmas' that we could look forward to.

Christmas morning we all woke up to all of our presents back under our tree! I didn't notice at first but now I realize that taking our presents was just my dads way of teaching us to have some humility. That sneaky guy! ha.

..so this christmas, there'll be no presents under mine and Rob's tree, but to be able to be home with my family & friends is enough for us.

merry christmas, bloggers! from my family to yours.

- the atigas

one for the books

This post should've been uploaded months ago, but just like any other late posts of mine its been because I'm a HUGE slacker.

 

So here's a bit of a peek into the highlight of my summer:

 

THE MRS. CARTER SHOW
WORLD TOUR

 

Yes, that's right! I got to attend the Beyoncé Concert in St. Paul, Minnesota with my in-laws.

AMAZING doesn't even begin to explain the whole experience

it was definitely something to remember for sure.

 

 

L2R: shawn, tangi, sweet, leta, me, cass and matt



..wouldn't have been so awesome if it weren't for my clique.

 

 

 

 

...don't even know who the sidebust is on the far left.

 

 

my hot date: ms. cassidi nae

..because our men couldn't be there, we were each others dates for the week.

 

 

the asiata's: tangi & matt

...the hosts of our trip and the two who made it all happen.

 

 

the gals

.. who are truly my sisters through my mister.

 

 

 

 

Our lives literally changed after that night and I'm so grateful I got to spend this experience with the people who matter most.

 

I can officially cross this off my Bucket List now!

 





The Big Move

This past Saturday, my husband finally graduated from the Univ. of Arkansas and proud is just one of the many things I felt during his ceremony.

He's worked SO hard to get to this point and he deserves every little bit of celebration.

 

 

For the past two years we lived in Arkansas so that Rob can pursue his college education and further his football career... and now that he's finished with school and we're wanting to start a family, we decided it would be best to move back to our home in Salt Lake City, Utah.

We've met so many good people and made so many great memories in those two years that it made it really hard to say good-bye to all our friends.

 

I'm so sad that we left.... but I'm also so happy to be home FOR GOOD :)

 

Christmas will be here soon and before you know it it'll be a whole new year!

 

2014 is gonna be a great year, I can feel it! :)

 

Happy Holidays, bloggers!

xoxo

-Nik

 



Thinking of you..

I wrote a letter to my son today... 

But I don't think I'm ready to share it with the blogging world just yet.

This isn't a pity post and I'm not fishing for any sympathy... 

It's just that at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed, I can't help but wonder about how different my life would be if he were here.

He would've been 3 months old today.... 

And I'm sure I would've been that mom that keeps him all to herself and doesn't let anyone (unless it's Rob, my mothers or my sisters) hold him or take care of him. Lol..

And who would he have looked like?

Robs convinced that he would've had my "Lolohea nose", and I def think he would've had Robs "Mataele eyebrows" lol.. But no doubt, I know he would've been a momma's boy for sure.

As much as I would absolutely love to have him in my arms right now, showering him with kisses and squeezing him tightly...... I think about how extremely hard it would've been for Rob and I  to take care of a baby at this point in our lives. 

Mentally??.... We were ready.. and still are ready.

But financially????... We would've really struggled. 

....and with living in a different state without our family around to help us out...... It would've made things even more harder. 

It's sad to say, but I don't know how we would've made it work.

The Lord works in mysterious ways... And though I was at that point where I was asking myself, "Why me?" .... I'm understanding why certain things happen the way they do.

It sucks.

But I get it.

And even 9 months later...

 I still feel like there's a small hole in my heart. 

But I know that it's a void only my future babies will be able to fill. :)

Rob and I have been trying too... 

But again, we're just letting nature take it's course..

Holy heck, I just realized that I've talked about babies these past few posts.. 

Talk about baby fever haha

I better tone it down a notch. 

Anyways, this was all just on my mind.. Nothing extreme... 

Good night bloggers!

Xoxo

rambling..

The end of October is drawing near and before I know it, my husband will graduating from the University of Arkansas with his Bachelors Degree in criminal justice.

..crazy how fast time flies..

We always talk about how we would've never pictured ourselves to be where we are now five years ago.... and we can't even tell ya where we'll be five years from now.. but wherever it takes us..

we're ready for it.

I always have to remind myself that change is a GOOD thing.

Because I always tend to think the worst in things.. which is why I always find myself becoming an emotional wreck all the time.

(I blame my mother)

I over-think things.

A LOT.

..and it drives my husband insane.

He's the type that takes things day-by-day... whereas I'm the type that'll stress (and I mean REALLY stress) over a bill that isn't due until 2015..

yep, that's me.

..and I'll cry and complain over it until someone (usually my husband) snaps me out of it and calms me down...

How does he do it?

I do not know.

But I guess that's why we're meant for each other.

He keeps me sane...

and without him I'd probably be hanging from a tree... lol.

*sigh*

Still no baby luck either.. [insert sad face] but I constantly remind myself that only God knows when I'm ready.

We're in no rush.

..and it will happen when it's supposed to happen.

So that when it does, it'll be that much more special.

[insert happy face]

On that baby note, last night Rob and I got to FaceTime my sister-in-law (who is about 5 months pregnant) and her husband to see them cut their "gender reveal" cake!!

Come March, we will have a new baby BOY added to the family and Rob and I are more than excited and happy for them.

Our families are growing.

..and I LOVE IT.

Next month Robs brother will also be returning from his mission and we're crossing our fingers that our bank accounts will let us fly to Utah for his homecoming. lol.

These next two months are gonna GET IT.

Until next time bloggers.

With love,

The Atigas